That really cuts my cake...

...and not even in a good way. So, our apartment complex was recently purchased by a new management company, which I think is based in LA (at least that's what it said when I Googled it). Right there, I feel, is Strike One, because how the eff are they supposed to manage anything from hundreds of miles away. I suppose that's not the point, and it's not like they'd be walking around the units, inspecting the landscaping and making sure that nothing was floating around in the fountain, even if they were based here in San Jose, but still. LA is not close, people.

There have been issues with the apartment and management before-- there have been too many "we need to shut off the water today between 10ish and 6ish" notices to count, not to mention general pain-in-the-ass cable and internet setups (basically, there is an internet monopoly for people who don't want a landline in their apartment, as the internet would have to have some sort of...line, and the only alternative to crap-ass, no-Food-Network-having cable is DirecTV, which entails a huge pole/tower/tripod thing on our deck, not to mention a godawful DVR-- but that's a tangent we just don't have time for...). But, by and large, the most egregious things have happened since the new management company has taken over. Don't get me wrong, GP and I are happy to be in the location we are (mostly), happy that we're not paying a too-crazy (for the Bay Area) amount of rent, and happy that we have all the necessities, like shelter, food, and enough wine to last for a couple weeks, at least, even if it were to be the only thing we ever drank. The offenses I am about to describe to you are offenses of intense inconvenience than they are of actual damage or harm. Right now, and in the next few weeks, there will be three concurrent construction projects going on throughout the complex-- and this is after they replaced all the doors and windows in the midst of a few stormy weeks in late January (genius thinking, by the way...).

Three projects. At the same time. Now, as a college graduate, I feel that I may have an advantage over these clearly middle-school-educated property management companies in that I know a thing or two about time management, even if I don't always practice it. (Warning: I am about to be very petty, complainy, and all-around unpleasant. Consider yourself warned.) Since when is it a good idea to run three enormous construction projects at the same time? Since never, is the normal-people answer. You want to re-roof all twenty-odd buildings in the complex? Knock yourself out. That in itself is quite the undertaking, and I realize that you have a Serious Company set up to do it, not some guy in his pickup truck with his sixteen year old son helping him out after school. I get it, but why not pace yourselves? Might be nice to have to deal with only one potential clusterfuck at a time.

Oh, no? You want to replace all the balconies, too? Oh, that'd be nice, especially since we had to have some of the boards out there replaced immediately after moving in because they were rotted through and we could see through them. I get it, you want to be all structurally sound in earthquake country, that's cool. Oh, and bringing in our small table, chairs, plants, and grill? Not a problem, they might be able to live in our kitchen or whatever. But we have to get the eyesore of a DirecTV tripod off the balcony, too? Hmm, let me think: no. No freaking way am I going to bring that thing into my apartment, and neither is GP. (Sidenote: I'm going to have this conversation, this one about the eyesore-tripod de- and re-installation with Management tomorrow, as I seriously have no intention of paying to have it re-installed, nor do I plan to take that thing down by myself.) I'm interested to see what sort of solution you have, because my suggestion is that you be the ones to contact the cable company to have them take it down and put it back up. You wait for that four-hour window in the middle of a workday for that grubby guy to show up, and you pay him for the privilege of his company.

Oh, and the third thing? Is probably the worst yet. We got a three-page, Very Serious Document taped to our door (the typical delivery method for Very Serious Documents, no?) on Monday, saying that all the units are going to be re-piped. Apparently, this is a process that involves not only plumbers, but drywall and painting teams, too, and there's always the wait for the city inspectors somewhere in the middle there. During the process, we are to have everything off the counters in the kitchen and bathrooms and everything out from under the sinks, which leads me to an interesting question, a Zen koan of sorts-- where is all that stuff supposed to go? See, we're in a two-bedroom apartment, and storage is not at a maximum around here (witness the shoes that meander over all available floor space). I can't wait until this process begins, and the note taped to the door gives us some more firm dates, but you see, I can't read it in its entirety. Why? Because it is to remain on the door, like some sort of Passover marker, although I doubt that this one will serve to protect us very successfully. How, exactly, am I to review the pages that are posted on my door, if they are supposed to stay in that very place? Also, you guys put the wrong floorplan in the packet. Idiots.

You may be able to gauge the level of frustration...and I'm not sure what exactly (if anything) there is that I can do about it. A law-school-attending best friend of mine told me recently that she regretted that she didn't have any advice, as they haven't gotten to landlord-tenant relations in her Property class just yet, so I ask you, Internets: is there anything I can do besides complain into your vast tubes? Sure, it's therapeutic, and I'm sure at least someone likes to read my bitching, but I'd hate to think that it ended there. What would you do, in my position?

This week in numbers

Which is not to say that I will be reporting on the state of numbers. I'll assume that the numbers, the digits 0-9, are all doing fine and dandy, as they are not working 10+ hour days and feverishly wondering why a job that is so seemingly menial should also seem so difficult. Rather, allow me to present...

5: things on my "swing by Safeway on the way home, just a quick trip" grocery list.

13: things I actually bought at Safeway. I still got to go through the express lane, though!

6, no-- 11, no! 10: people that were recruited for one of the studies that is currently being run at my office. Returning emails is SO HARD, isn't it? What's that? It isn't? Then seriously, what the hell.

7: minutes late that our client company people arrived for the scheduled appointment start time this evening. Coincidentally, that is the same number of minutes it takes me to decide that I hate them forever. Professional adults? Who're they?

3: weeks until MaGP and PaGP come to town, and GP and I get to eat like kings (cross out) civilized grownups. Which we are, I swear.

58 (or so): degrees Fahrenheit in my office for the last two days, due to an imbalance caused by a projector in one (also soundproofed ) room in the office.

18: meatballs that I made for dinner last night. For two people, even two people who really like meatballs, I think we can agree that this is far too many.

30: people that we have to put through testing sessions before these three godawful studies that are eating up my life are done. Good job maintaining focus through that sentence, if you made it to the end!

Forgive the tardiness of the SNL recap-- we decided to watch two episodes of Lost that were languishing in the TiVo instead. Maybe tonight? Maybe.

Ok, so...

I haven't watched SNL yet, so there is no recap to post at present. I promise, though, that it will be soon(ish)! I have to get through the UCLA/Arizona basketball game, then make a trip to Michael's, TArget, et al. Apparently I do have money to spend.

So, to recap: please still be my friend! I'm just having a touch time getting started with anything today...

What might have been

Here's an exchange that only partially took place today...
GP: Move your shoes! We have to get everything off the floor!
Me: Sorry, I don't wear the same pair of shoes every day. Some people have more than three pairs, you know...

I pick up the shoes, and put them on the couch so that the carpet cleaners can clean allll the carpet, rather than leaving little size eight spots of dirty on the floor. Yay for free annual carpet cleaning by the apartment complex! (I suppose it's not "free," considering they raised our rent the maximum legal amount when we renewed the lease, but whatever, California is expensive)

GP: Well, you don't wear the same pair of underwear every day, and yet somehow that doesn't end up all over the living room floor!
Me: Hmph.

For those who are bad at guessing games, the penultimate line of that conversation didn't take place. It occurred to GP in the shower following my departure for work, but I am making it up to him by posting it, for all the interblag to see.

What do you find yourself leaving all over the house?

Sorry, it's Tuesday

...so all you get are some lists, and that's really only courtesy of Dan and Stylish Handwriting. Without further ado, I give you...

My Top 10 Memory(-Provoking) Songs - WARNING: My actual musical tastes are better than this list might suggest, but the songs are still evocative. So shut up about it, already.
10. "Te Aviso, Te Anuncio," Shakira. I bet you didn't know that I was pretty fluent in Spanish. (Wait, did I include that in the 100 Things? Oh well...) Well, turns out I am, and this is the song that I would sing to myself in a small Spanish voice after I sneaked out of my parents' house and drove to my older "boyfriend's" house during my senior year of high school. It was a time of poorly-thought decisions, but I still really enjoy the song, mostly because it lets me be bilingual and sing really loudly in the car.
9. "El Tango de Roxanne," Ewan McGregor. Again, Spanish, although it's sung in English, by a Scotsman. It was on an unfortunate mix-CD that I made in high school for the future Young Republican, even more unfortunately titled "The We-Mix." Sorry, everyone.
8. "Answering Machine," Matt Nathanson. I'm not sorry that this one will always be in my Top 10 List-- it was my first Big College Music Discovery, and he's still one of my favorites. That, and you're guaranteed at least one Journey cover at each of his concerts!
7. "Let's Get Loud," Jennifer Lopez. Hear me out. It's not so much about the song as it is the circumstances-- junior year of college, and my friends and I were dead tired and a little punchy from days and days of "conversation workshops," because some sorority girls don't know how not to ask inappropriate questions. The group Fate's Baby (yeah, genius name, I know) was born (sorry!), and its debut dance was choreographed to this tune, complete with moves such as The Sprinkler, The Indian, and The Fish Out of Water.
6. "Hey Driver," Lucky Boy's Confusion. Road trips. Singalongs. Enough said.
5. "You Shook Me All Night Long," AC/DC. Look, I was in a sorority in college. And we all know that gin and tonics + fraternity boyfriend + AC/DC = embarrassing photographs. Good thing the evidence has been destroyed, or otherwise lost track of. (Sorry about the dangling participle!)
4. "Second That Emotion," Smokey Robinson. I was at the birthday party of someone I didn't know, with a boy with whom I was completely infatuated. The song came on, and I knew enough to hum along... Love the song, not so much the boy.
3. "Lover, You Should Have Come Over," Jeff Buckley. Only when I was twenty-one would I have been content to share a twin bed and a single set of iPod headphones with someone night after night. Now, I insist on my own headphones and half of no less than a double bed (though we have a queen, and getting a king in a hotel is paradise).
2. "Chocolate," Snow Patrol. The first song that I thought of as "mine and GP's." I'm not sure what the current one is, and I can't see us dancing to Snow Patrol at our wedding, but at the time, it was a song that reminded me of him every time I heard it.
1. "Can't Help Falling in Love With You," Elvis. In the early days of Me and GP, I "cleverly" alluded to this song in a blog post title. Because I am so crafty, and it worked! I managed to worm my way into his heart. Also, I am really cheesy.

Because I love to make lists, you get this one, too...

Top Five Movies (we'll just say that this is "of all time," not necessarily evocative of anything even though there are distinct memories attached to each), not listed in order of my affections...
5. "Drop Dead Gorgeous," at times awesomely bad, and consistently laugh-like-a-crazy-person funny. If you haven't, you should check it out-- even the usually-annoying Kirsten Dunst manages to make it work.
4. "Love, Actually," which I saw in the theater, twice. I cried, within the first five minutes, each time and nearly every time thereafter. Despite wanting to slap Keira Knightley every time I see her, I adore this movie. Also, I am unabashedly a "girl" about this movie, as I am about very few others.
3. "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," which is a Serious Christmas Tradition in my family. The day after Thanksgiving is the typical first viewing, and we usually watch it at least three times between then and Christmas. It's a large part of the basis for the secret twin language that my brother and I speak.
2. "High Fidelity," which I think is one of the best "based on the novel" films that I've seen. True to Nick Hornby's hilarious book, and contains several lists, which appeals to my list-loving (self-evident, no?) personality. One cannot go wrong with John Cusack, and this made was before Jack Black became a caricature of Every Role Jack Black Has Ever Played.
1. tie - "Spellbound" and "Wordplay," because I am nerdy enough to love documentaries and completely willing to "own" it. Because I love words as well as competition and puzzles, these two are bound to be on any Top Random Number List of Movies I Love.

Honorable Mentions: The Queen, Good Night and Good Luck, Waiting for Guffman, Before Sunrise, Shakespeare in Love, Muriel's Wedding, Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

What movies and songs do you love? Are there songs or books that are evocative of certain moments in your life? Can you even wait until I make my Favorite Books list?

Return of SNL!

I decided to do a Tivo "live"-blog of the first Saturday Night Live after the end of the writer's strike. I figured that since I was watching it and commenting aloud, maybe the internet would enjoy the commentary as well. It may well become a regular feature, so any and all feedback is welcome, but please be constructive!

Cold open: CNN Democratic Debate sketch pretty accurately captures everyone’s Obamania…I will admit that I’m part of it. Yeah, shut up.

Ahhh! Tina Fey! I love just about everything about her, including her cute little black dress. Good job calling it “aught-seven.” (Totally something I do-- I'm hoping it will catch on) Hitting her with the boom microphone is a little silly, since there probably isn’t a writer holding it. I suppose, however, that when there were no writers, the crew was out of work as well. Ok then, we’re glad everyone’s back!
Oh! Steve Martin shows up, as he is wont to do. GP says, “Isn’t he, like, 80?” He probably is. Let’s see…he’s this old. Hey, Steve Martin, don’t bring up the Spanx. Sometimes they're necessary! I like the “I can do it!” routine, mostly because of my deep-seated Tina Fey love, which you may remember from a couple sentences ago.

Fake commercial for once-a-year period birth control (Seasonale parody). Is that Katie Holmes? Is that Fergie? Who is that girl? Haha, periods are awful. I like that they kept the hot pink accents throughout the horrifying period montage.

Rock of Love parody…is this really going to be more ridiculous than the actual Rock of Love? Woo! Every rose does have its thorn. GP loves Kristen Wiig, and there’s my lady Tina Fey, nearly unrecognizable in a blonde wig and huge lips. Amy Poehler as a one-legged suitorette, reprising the role from a previous…Rock of Love(?) parody. That other girl looks more like Fergie than Katie Holmes, on second thought, and she’s wearing a cross, which is pretty typical of some of the Rock of Love ladies. Some of them do love baby Jesus! I enjoy Jason Sudeikis, but at times his mannerisms remind me of SNL-era Will Ferrell, but it may just be because he plays George W., too. This sketch went on for about 90 seconds more than it needed to.

A message for old people, being confused and scared at today’s movies because they don’t know any of the actors in them—these kids nowadays! The man’s wife has put his grandsons in contemporary movies, and the effect is marginally funny. Andy Samberg and Bill Heder are the grandsons, decoding the language for grandpa and waving as they march across scenes of There Will Be Blood and others. The Transforming Robots (instead of Transformers)—love it! That’s definitely a “grandparent” way to describe it. Faces of the grandsons are superimposed onto the dvd covers, with hilarity that is equal to the general humor of superimposition (about a 3, out of 10, depending on context). You can find these dvds at the store! Old people are funny, this sketch made me chuckle a couple times.

“What’s That Bitch Talking About?” game show. The contestants are Tina Fey playing a person who looks like Tina Fey (and is an “editorial assistant,” so…she’s a writer playing a lower-level writer?) and Bill Heder, for the prize of a “canary yellow Mazda Protégé.” The first challenge is Amy Poehler on a cell phone, we hear only one side of the conversation…yeah, this is pretty lame. First point goes to Tina. Mystery woman shouting in a Southern accent (this woman may actually be a bitch, technically)…point to Tina, again. The answers are very detailed. Kristen Wiig saying, “Okay, okay, okay…” into a phone at regular intervals…Tina wins again! Bill Heder wins the consolation prize, the home game—with Ann Coulter, the Queen, Whitney Houston, and that idiotic Miss Teen USA chick who doesn’t know shit about maps. Tina goes to the bonus round, answering, “Who does that bitch think she is?” The queen of Sheba, my dad, and Heidi freakin’ Klum win Tina the Protégé and a free gallon of gasoline. Pretty solid, as it relied on some good variations for laughs, rather than trying to hit the same spot over and over.

Carrie Underwood. Skip. I like her and all (cute dress for “the box social,” says GP), but this is generally what I do during musical guests. Sorry, musical guests.

Weekend Update! Lead story is the NYT/John McCain scandal. (I just realized that I can’t transcribe each joke, so you’re stuck with what makes me laugh, sorry) Fidel Castro resigns—“quitter.” Seth Myers, can we go out for French toast sometime? The Devil Frog—as terrifying as it sounds? Is that thing even real? Mike Huckabee shows up to explain why he’s still hanging around the race, and explains that he doesn’t believe in “mathematical impossibility,” just like he doesn’t believe in “evolution,” “homosexuality,” and “gravity.” Seth clears things up…wouldn’t it be great if Huckabee dropped out of the race on SNL? But it’s not gonna happen. Just when is he going to drop out of the race with “grace and class”? Huckabee overstays his welcome, again. I see the word “kitten” and am intrigued. It pays off! Hip-hop kitten! Mattew McCounaghey promotes D&G fragrance, shirtless. I never really saw why he was attractive, he just seems so grubby. Women’s News with Tina Fey—it’s a great time to be a lady in America! LiLo does NY magazine, looks different and old; more strokes are happening to older women; Kirstie Alley has “not” regained the weight she lost on Jenny Craig. She’s a Scientologist? Also, Hillary Clinton is running for the presidential nomination…and yet women vote for Barack because Oprah told them to. I have to say, I love Bill and Hillary, and yet I voted for Obama. I hope that Hillary ends up being the vice-president, though. Bitches doget stuff done! Weekend Update, I think I’ve missed you most of all. Also, I think that this is where the writing really shines.

NBC “commercial,” Celebrity Apprentice, another Celebrity Apprentice. Jaleel White went to UCLA! Awesome. There’s that girl again! Also, “dingle-dangle” is a funny way to talk about anatomy, and Rachael Ray is annoying, but not that annoying. Another Celebrity Apprentice with marginal “celebrities,” and even another one with the Question Mark Guy and the old dude from the Six Flags commercials.

Drunk bridesmaid gives a teary toast at a wedding reception, chugs champagne. Best man is Midwestern and shouty (Jason Sudeikis sounding like Will Ferrell’s Harry Caray, later seeming sort of like Chris Farley in his timing and delivery), and I know it’s a parody, but it’s as uncomfortable as I imagine some receptions must be. I am tired of this sketch already, and its only been about a minute. If I were watching this live, this would be the point at which I decide to go to bed.

“Sick of the airport?” Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon Rides, where you get to be alone in a balloon with this strange woman (whose name I thought was “vagina,” and had to rewind to make sure that I was hearing/spelling it properly). Lame. The first week back from the strike, and we get this? If you’re going to throw me a low-production-value commercial parody, at least make it as good as the “Marble Columns” one with Scarlett Johansson (that I wish I could link to, but seems to have disappeared).

“Food Network—porn for fat people.” Two characters from There Will Be Blood (played by Bill Heder and Amy Poehler), talking about milkshakes. I think this will be funnier if I had seen the movie…but we’ll see. They drink a milkshake with a huge straw. It’s not really even as funny as it sounds. The guy from No Country for Old Men joins them as a special guest, and “Daniel Day-Lewis” (Bill Heder) freaks out and repeats some lines that I assume are from the movie. Lame. This is why I Tivo SNL, see? Bleep bloop.

Fake movie preview.* Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are two women who (I will assume) ultimately become friends despite their differences, one of them is pregnant, and I would totally go see this movie if it were real. It couldn’t be any stupider than Knocked Up, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. The movie, by the way, is called Baby Mama. Wait, is this real? It’s followed by a regular commercial. This is really confusing.

Carrie Underwood again. She is wearing, as far as I can tell, a vest, jeans, and over-the-knee boots. She’s also wearing enormous hoop earrings and a leather cuff that has to be 6 inches wide. It’s pretty fug. I do, however, kind of dig the song because it has fiddle, and I’m ok with that.

Lady Business, a parody of all the Pink Jungle Cashmere Mafia business. Man, I miss Sex and the City. This is why I’m nervous about the SATC movie: it’s become such a caricature of itself, especially since they started to syndicate it and there began to be “What Sex and the City Character are you?” applications on Facebook and whatnot. I think it’s a really well-written show with a lot of heart (it’s made me cry, even upon repeat viewings of the same episodes), but I’m afraid that the freshness that made it so special and of-its-time will have worn off by the time it hits theaters.

Don Pardo is 90! This is insane. That cake is insane. Everyone seems very exuberant and happy to be back in Studio 8H.

Overall, a solid B. Nothing made me scream with laughter, but I watched every sketch all the way through. With Tivo, it’s pretty tempting to just be like, “see ya!” so I feel like SNL worked it out. Welcome back, friends!

P.S. They’re bringing quarterlife to actual tv? Interesting. Having never seen it, please advise. Is it worth my time?

P.P.S. Casey Wilson, you're welcome. I read just about every article that came up when I googled you. You are quite funny, and I'm sorry that I said you look like Fergie.

* Upon review, it turns out this movie is real. I apologize—I was really only paying about 40% attention when I first saw it. I am definitely going to see this, mostly because of my residual guilt at not voting for Hillary Clinton, as well as my deep and abiding love for Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I will only be a little disappointed when it turns out to be pretty bad.

Internets Saturday!

Another thing I can do from my couch is scour the interwebs for things that will make me hyperventilate from hysterical laughter. Most recently via Dooce, I give you...How to Care for Baby! As GP is writing his thesis on safety signage at amusement parks, I'm thinking that he should probably find a way to include these. See? I'm quite helpful, really.