Project Runway: "Run for Cover" recap-ish

So, okay, this started out as a recap and quickly devolved into me making notes and comments. I'll divide my thoughts and unrequited crushes from actual commentary on the show...you're welcome.

Episode-specific commentary
I get that Project runway has to show off its sponsors and affiliates and all, but come on-- it's the fifth challenge and you're doing two back-to-back? Campbell's was more egregious, but the editor of Marie Claire (who looks a bit like Tilda Swinton, don't you think?) is a bit much as well.

Other shows might do well to show off their also-rans, given that they are sometimes more popular than the actual winners (I'm looking at you, American Idol). On the other hand, does it diminish the win...? Oh, also, it seems sort of needless to have not-Tilda explain that magazine covers are cropped. None of the designers looks that blown away by this opposite-of-earth-shattering news, which is reassuring (good thing Jesus went home last week, otherwise we'd end up with a sick Tiger Beat look).

What's the twist? Is Heidi pregnant right now?

Let's review the things that we know Heidi likes, as evidenced by her judging over the years:

1. shiny things (season 2 floral challenge)
2. expensive-looking things ("It looks cheap, no?" Budget for this challenge is $150, which isn't terrible by PR standards.)
   
3. things that make her boobs look good (She always seems very concerned that the models' breasts look ok. I think this must be because of Victoria's Secret.)
   

I wonder how the fittings will work-- will Heidi just be traipsing from designer to designer? Oh...so the models are showing the clothes, and Heidi just picks what she thinks will look good on her? This seems less interesting than Heidi actually working as their model, but doesn't necessitate an extra judge.

Oh, also-- do these designers never have to deal with time pressure? I know that 24 hours to complete a piece is extreme, but they must have at least had to work with timelines before.

From the clips of judging before commercials: Janean cries (again!), Michael says they've never done something before (what could it be? Kicking off two people at once? I feel like that's happened before...).

Now for the runway show, pictures from which can be found here (and judging, in italics)...

• Amy: I'm glad I didn't have to watch you construct this monstrosity. Heidi can be boho at times, sure, but that print! Jebus. Also, the rosette? Yikes. She does appear to have stuck to the aesthetic she has going on, though, as this looks a bit like her piece for the farm challenge.
• Seth Aaron: A suit? With what appear to be mutton-chop cleeves? You can't "guarantee" shit, buddy.
• Jesse: The new Jesus? I can see that model's vajay. I do like the basketweave on the bodice.
• Anna: Maybe you will be one of those girls who is great at making clothes for yourself and for others with your same look (cute and hip and a little Anthro-like, but pretty straight-up-and-down rather than curvy), but I can't see you being a mass-market designer. Nina thinks it's shapeless, not-Tilda uses the phrase "slightly nauseous," Michael thinks it looks too young for Marie Claire, Heidi thinks it's well-made but doesn't push the envelope.
  
• Anthony: I don't love it, but it might look pretty cool on a magazine cover. The color really pops, but we'll see what the judges say. Heidi grins at him and says it makes the model's body look beautiful, Michael declares the costume drama over (yay, Anthony!), Nina likes it and Anthony is proud to have won some praise from her, not-Tilda loves the color.
  
• Janeane: At least you don't suffer from the hubris that some of the other designers seem to. The skirt looks a little stiff, and the little cap sleeves/sleeveless bolero thing? Not a fan. Michael is not impressed by the "sea" inspiration, Heidi thinks it's not fashion-forward, not-Tilda calls it a "polluted sea" (damn, girl), and Nina comments that it looks bridal. (After Janeane voiced the same concern as she was sewing! Follow your instincts, designers!)
  
• Mila: Of course you love your dress. Those colors are going to wash Heidi the frick out, though. Michael tells Mila her "peach" looks a little more like "Ace bandage," Nina notes that the "arrows" are pointing right at the model's crotch (like in Naked Gun?), not-Tilda harps on the color again.
  
• Emilio: Good color choice...but it looks a little like a nightie. I am not convinced by those straps. Michael appreciates that Emilio made the silk jersey look structured, not-Tilda says that it would make for a very strong cover, Nina loves the color but says it feels a little "junior" to her, and Emilio cuts the straps off and makes it all grown-up-looking. Apparently that's what's never been done before. Yawn.
  
• Jay: WHOA. That, sir, is volume. Crazy, monochromatic volume. This moves well, and I like the one-shoulder, but I feel like it's the wrong kind of Too Much for a magazine cover.
• Jonathan: Um. Is that a shirt? And...tap pants? Oh, a romper. Not a fan.
• Maya: Eh. That front seam looks wonky. Not crazy about the colors.
• Ben: Loves it! I'm happy he replaced the belt, and the colors are cool. Maybe not for an April issue (it just hit me why there are so many pastels), but this might be my favorite look of the episode. Michael thinks it's a good choice, Nina thinks it looks very modern and likes the color combo, Heidi likes the back, not-Tilda says it's a contender. (YAY!)
  

The winner (does not get immunity): Anthony, who yelps and asks if the judges "are for real." I want to hug him. Instead, he hugs Emilio on his way off the runway, and everyone seems very excited for his win,
The loser: Anna. Which makes Janeane bawl. Get it together, lady! Anna, who is sweet, appreciates the opportunity and gives a nice little goodbye.
Next week: New models-- little girls! I DIE. Also, oh my god, Jesse is going to snap and kill one of them.

Contestant notes
Mila, stop complaining that people didn't congratulate you on getting second place last time. I know you're a special snowflake, but come on. You are too old for that shit. Ooh, are you speculating about copying now? Don't be such a hall monitor. Turns out everyone hates you, and I can't say that I find anything that compelling to argue against them.

Jay, you are adorable, and appear to have some skillz. You know, apart from the insect-thorax you put your heart disease survivor in last week. Your hair looks fine, trust me. Also, I love your little towel turban! I must confess that Jay and Amy are two of my favorites because they are awesome and are representin' the Bay Area. Also, chances are slim that there will ever be a contestant from San Jose, so I've got to root for whoever is even remotely near.

"Icy color pallette...silver, light blue, and charcoal gray." Oh, Anna. You are so sweet. But those colors are going to make Heidi look like shit. Also, now is not the time to try to make a crazy amount of pieces. Seventeen minutes in, you are getting the loser's edit. I'm going to miss you.

"Short but not slutty." Good idea, Anthony. We do not want any "tootie" showing. I love you for saying that you "wish [Seth Aaron] would stop..." and not being a bitch about it. If only people on reality shows were more like grownups! "Did you smoke anything besides a cigarette when you went outside?" Anthony, can we have lunch sometime? I'll even buy. Oh, honey-- that sketch looks like something that Hollywood Montrose would like. (Can we have a Mannequin reunion, please?)

I like Ben. He could very well sneak into the top 5... "The magenta is looking fuchsia." Heaven forbid!! "Madame Butterfly on acid" is fine, but I hope that Carefree bubblegum pink doesn't make it into the final look.

Janeane: figure out your color story before you go shopping! Dude. Also, this "spewing out factor" (thanks, Tim) is going to look sort of strange on Heidi. What is Janeane going to do when Anna is gone? It seems that Anna functions as a sort of touchstone for her, at least in terms of seeing her as a kindred spirit. We need to get Janeane something to smoke outside "other than a cigarette" (thanks, Anthony!)...maybe it'd calm her down.

Jesse seems to be containing his murderous rage pretty well...so far. (We are nine minutes in.)

Seth Aaron is (thankfully) not this season's Jeffrey Sebelia, but should stop his singing in the workroom before I change my tune. (See what I did there? Yeah, I'm sorry.)

Jonathan, you may actually be a jerk, but at least you are funny about it. (Witness the exchange between him and Anna: "Are you making a dress?" "No, I'm making a spacesuit.")

Emilio, you are pretty badass-- and fairly awesome at following not-Tilda's advice about putting extra detain above the waist. I hope this works out for you.

Where is Amy? She's participating in this challenge, right?

Um, does anyone else think that Maya's look this week is really reminiscent of the look from her partner challenge (with Jay)?

What I'm loving right now...

This is one of those posts that begins composing itself in one's head a good two or three weeks before it finally gets posted. Not to say that the quality of the writing is that greatly improved, but it does mean that I really, truly do love these things...

New Sephora acquisitions: I am always so excited to make my final selections after loading my basket with a ton of "maybe" items. When I get home, I find myself tearing open the (pretty, pretty) packaging and using whatever I have purchased. Case in point-- went with MaGP when they were in town a couple weeks ago for my shower (which, ok, I am lame and haven't talked about or posted pictures...but I'm waiting on our photographer to send me the pictures!), and bought a Jurlique sample pack (am totally in love, convinced that I need to buy products that include a nearly-$70 "herbal recovery gel," oh yes I do) and Laura Mercier Magical Flawless Skin Set (or something like that, seriously, they should let me name their products). Got home and headed straight to the bathroom for face-washing and makeup-putting-on. Pure magic, I tell you.

West Wing. Period. I don't know where the hell I was when this originally aired (high school? Gah, what was I watching instead of this?), but I am so happy to have it in my life now. We have borrowed seasons 1-4 from one of GP's friends, and burned right through them. I'm downloading season 5 right now, and...oh my god, you guys, I am in love with AMERICA! And Josh Lyman, and, yeah, a little bit with Will Bailey. But that might just be residual Jeremy-love from my Sports Night watching (another Sorkin show, quite lovely, really. With Peter Krause, so...bonus!).

String cheese. Where have you been all my life, low moisture, part-skim mozzarella? Never leave me, ok? (Remember that time I gave up cheese for Lent, even though I am not the biggest fan of Jebus? Wasn't that just awful?)

How little time there is until The Wedding. Ha, you thought you'd be able to get through a single post without me mentioning it? You, my friend, are a fool. Because I have only one month and three days left, and I. Am. Ready for this thing. I am tired of making decisions, and already of chasing down the seven delinquent RSVPs, and tired in advance when I think about how ridiculous all the little things that we have to do before we can just Be Married are. But that's why we do them, right? Because we are convinced that, at the end of the day, it will be worth it. And I know it will.

Um, not to go back to something as silly as television, but I am more than reasonably excited for all my shows to start! I am filling the void with Bravo reality programming (I am more of a fan of old raisin-faced Rachel Zoe than I thought, though I want to throw Taylor straight into a swimming pool, Melrose Place-style) and new Project Runway (my favorite so far? Shirin.), but I have already re-watched the Glee pilot once (and am not above watching it again), and can't wait for new seasons of 30 Rock and The Office. Too bad we have to wait until January for more Lost...

Twitter! I am so late to the party on this one that it's a little silly to be so up in arms about it, but...I am. In my boss's absence, I am co-manning the library's Twitter account, and let me tell you, organizational Twitter accounts, especially in our field, are fricking boring. Mine, I promise, is much more entertaining. It is much as I thought, very similar to my Facebook status updates, but more conversational. I still can't believe that there aren't more younger Twitter users--I believe there was a quote in the NYT article about Twitter where a teenager said that Twitter seemed "more, like, professional," and I say to this teenager...what? I am sort of living in fear of any potential future employers (who we will assume lack much of a sense of humor, for the sake of argument) discovering my tweets. Professional, my ass.

Also. Get excited, friends! I took GP out for dinner last night to mark a birthday that officially means he is in his Late Twenties, and the blog came up...and he offered to do a guest post. So. Get! Excited! It is likely to be wedding-or-mawwage related, but will be completely different from my constant oh-my-god-I'm-going-to-kill-someone wedding rantiness. Anyone have a question or two for him? I'm sure he will be happy to oblige...

Divorce, marriage...and tv

I was twelve-- nearly thirteen-- when my parents divorced. When they sat down with me and my brother on the deck of our house, whatever warm late-summer evening it might have been, telling us that they had decided to end their marriage after seventeen years, I was not surprised. More than anything, I was relieved. I'm sure there was a time when my parents liked each other, probably even loved each other, but that time had since passed, and now my dad had taken to sleeping on the couch. It was upsetting to watch them constantly be at each others' throats, and worse yet that the arguments managed to continue even after they weren't even in the same place-- there was a lot of under-the-breath commenting in the laundry room, in the car on the way to school, as one watered the lawn and the other, each just wanting out.

I write these things, of course, from the perspective of someone who has lived roughly half of her life with divorced parents. And I will repeat-- I was relieved. I knew, even then, that the marriage wasn't making either of them happy, and that it was beyond the point of being salvaged. I was relieved then and feel pretty lucky now that everything that followed went the way it did: my dad moved out, but never missed an opportunity to be around for me and my brother; my mom eventually remarried a man who makes her happy and truly cares about us, all of us, as a family; my once-broken and now reformed (mutated?) family that includes me, my mom, my dad, my stepdad, my brother, and a stepsister, regularly splits holidays and attends special events together, with no ruffled feathers or raised voices. I am incredibly lucky.

As GP and I move closer and closer to our wedding date, I am thinking more and more about the ideas I was presented about love and marriage growing up: love is a leap of faith, and marriage requires constant attention and nurturing. We are not religious people, GP and I, but we believe in love as if it were a prayer, an altar, a relic. I am not daunted by what my parents went through-- I am hopeful that I have learned the lessons available to me on both what to do and what not to do. I will be the wife that I want and need to be...minus the occasional disagreement over taking out the trash (boy chore!) or washing the dishes as a team (just leave me alone, it gets done faster that way!).
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And yes, of course I have to comment on the media-saturated divorce of Jon and Kate (of "Plus Eight" fame). I became a fan within the last year, but loved to watch all! those! cute! kids! Also, sometimes Kate would remind me of my mom, all Type-A and whatnot. It was easy to see how their marriage would be challenging-- twins before even a couple years of marriage, and eight children before either of them was thirty would be enough to drive any couple apart. It was hard to watch last night's "special announcement" (which-- come on, there is the internet now, how are we possibly going to be surprised by this news?) episode because, in separate interviews, neither of them took any of the responsibility. "I'm here for the kids," each said. And me? Well, Jon and Kate, I am here to call bullshit. I would have loved to have seen them at least attempt to talk about their problems together (hey, like grownups!), and am sort of dreading the episode when they tell the kids about it (you know it's coming! It's going to be awful!). Did you watch? What did you think?

Michael Phelps is Not Funny

Yes, friends, fall is upon us. Because there is very little in the way of autumnal coloring in California, one of my favorite parts of fall is new tv! So exciting! And we’re back, with the SNL recapping and our friend Michael Phelps. Before I turn on the Tivo…I have to say, I have been trying really hard to avoid coverage of the Tina-Fey-as-Palin, Amy P.-as-Hillary sketch, because I want to be surprised. We’ll see. Oh, and I have huge, huge doubts as to the hilarity of Michael Phelps, despite his abs that I want to eat brunch off of.

(Note: turns out Tivo didn’t record it—wtf—and I am having to use our DirecTV dvr to watch this. This dvr is le suck.)

We begin with “A Nonpartisan Message from Governor Sarah Palin and Senator Hillary Clinton.” Yay! Tina Fey+Amy Poehler=awesome. I’ve paused it, and “Hillary” looks bored. Can’t wait to hear Tina Fey do that godawful accent, with its flattened and horrific vowels. Also, sexism? Is not the reason we hate you, Sarah Palin. We hate you because you are a Big Fat Idiot. What’s a flirge? Ooh, I would love to see Sarah Palin side-hug Hillary, and watch Hillary punch her in the throat. No, no one else? Ok, it lived up to the play it got on the internets…I am satisfied.

Same cast as last season? Huh. Ok. A couple new featured players, maybe? Nah, just this Bobby guy. And Casey Wilson, whose face I always recognize but whose name always escapes me. Thanks, Don Pardo.

Michael Phelps, monologue. Can I just say, he reminds me a lot of my younger brother? About the same age, kinda tall and goofy… But I am still willing to bet the bro-ham is funnier. Yes, Michael Phelps, the gauntlet has been thrown. At least you dressed up for this. Hee hee, Amy P. is playing his mom, who I think is totally adorable. She’s a middle school principal, too, which means that she is a big damn deal. “Swim Cop.” Not funny. Will Forte in a Members Only jacket offers to have MP endorse My First Meth Lab, “a product [Michael Phelps] should not endorse.” Duh. OMG SHATNER!!! Teaches MP a lesson about integrity…and Priceline, an online travel site that I have never found that useful (Travelocity/Expedia/Kayak 4-eva!). Ahhhh, the real Debbie Phelps! So cute. Wow, I am totally glad that others saved the monologue, because he could NOT carry that thing.

I officially want to see Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist. Am I hip enough to do that?

Michael Phelps wears a swim cap to beckon us into “Quiz Bowl,” where there are people barking like dogs within fifteen seconds. Terrifying. Also scary? The wigs. The joke here is that home-schooled fundamentalists don’t know about sex, physics, biology, or dinosaurs. Regular public-schooled kids aren’t that hot either. Ohh, America. Kristen Wiig steals the show, awesomely. However, this sketch is the lame.

Commercial about how hard jars are to open! Sucks. I mean, come on.

Yay! Will Forte takes another star turn as a high school swim coach. (Remember the Peyton Manning episode?) “Fudged my Speedo”? Poor showing, Michael Phelps. I hope there will be singing at some point…and a cassette tape makes an appearance. Yessss! Forte fixes his mustache and the song plays, a little muzak, and everyone manages to mostly keep their shit together as Will Forte performs Balki’s Dance of Joy. Phelps joins him, but is still wearing his warmups/tracksuit. I’ll give it a B-

I hope Ghost Town isn’t going to be as bad as it looks, because I really only want the best for Ricky Gervais.

Now that’s more like it! Hot Olympian with Laurels Michael Phelps brings us back to the show. What am I, made of stone? Something is wrong with the boss’s kids. Phelps as cousin Jeremy is in headgear, and together he and Kristen Wiig twitch their way through the French for numbers one through ten. It is strange, y’all. There is the display of a yodeling doll, and Phelps does some five-pound bicep curls, which are the highlight of this crapass sketch. I don’t want to be so negative about the season premiere of one of my favorite shows…but come on! I want some more Tina Fey or something.

Leonardo diCaprio with a neck beard? Not ok. But maybe Body of Lies won’t totally suck. Nah, it probably will. Miracle at St. Anna, though? I will probably need to see that. Woo, Spike Lee!

Li’l Wayne. Wearing those sunglasses that old people wear, all angle-y and wraparound. I am not cool enough to like this, not at 10:30am on a Friday morning.

I want to punch the movie Beverly Hills Chihuahua in it’s bulging-eyed head. Sorry for the violent threats, but tell me you disagree.

Weekend Update! The highlights: Sarah Palin sucks, OJ is finally going to go to prison forever and ever (finally), Russell Crowe and Snoop Dogg are friends, who knew? Larry Craig doesn’t understand what entering a “guilty” plea means, despite being a freaking lawyer. Online mating databases for zoo animals (hilarious shot of a tiger sitting at a laptop), Nicholas Fehn comes and craps all over comedy. Cabbage Patch kids are 25 years old now (really? I am old), a bird called New Jersey 911, Seth Myers adorably celebrates a sort of lame joke. Andy Samberg is Cathy, of comic strip fame, and I think Rachel Dratch could do it better—what’s she up to these days?

Anyone seen Burn After Reading? I love me some Coen Brothers.

Charles Barkley’s talk show…with our friend Darrly Hammond as Bela Karolyi, who is probably completely insane. Michael Phelps gets to play himself, which is a relief. My little sweet potato is a hell of a swimmer, but not much of an actor.

Family dinner, with that obnoxious T-Mobile commercial where the daughter has hot friends. Dad, that is gross. I am happy to see the “aftermath” of this commercial.

Digital short! Andy Samberg in a white wig, somewhere in space/the future. This song could be by Styx, and is about the Space Olympics in 3022. It is not as awesome as you think it might be.

Aww, Amy Poehler is pregnant. This is the first time we’ve seen any hint of the belly this evening. She and Michael Phelps are on a date at a place like Friday’s or something, and our new featured player is acting much like I imagine regular Friday’s servers do. He fidgets with his do-rag, and I worry about the flammability of his Dragonball-Z shirt.

Um, friends? I heard there was to be some Barack Obama in this episode. There are only 15 minutes left. Where is he???

Li’l Wayne has at least two pairs of sunglasses. This means that he is a true baller, no? Well, Li’l Wayne, I have no fewer than four pairs of sunglasses on my console table right now. It would seem that we have more in common than I thought.

Woo, the Michael Phelps diet! I wish I had crazy Michael Phelps-ian muscles, but I worry about what they would look like in my wedding dress. And Jared Fogel even makes an appearance! It is a rough life for Jared these days, I’m sure.

Okay, the episode is over. And I saw no such Obama. Shame on you, SNL. Did I just miss it, internets? Help a girl out here!

(Post) Weekend Update

While I can't claim to have been overwhelmingly busy last weekend, I still managed to be occupied enough not to blog. This, then, is what you are left with: bullets! What I managed to do in two days, aside from blog avoidance...

- entertain! Technically this was Friday, but I am including it because I am amazed that I was able to stay up past 10pm. I have been falling into the "in bed by 9:30" routine, which, while not bad in itself, sort of hampers one's social life. Oh, and I made a very popular (what? There were three other people eating it!) avocado mango shrimp salad (even though I ended up using papaya instead-- result of a very boring grocery-store tale). No heat required, and very refreshing. You have to try it!

- finish two library books! I am terrible, generally, at getting through books that I check out before they are (over)due, which is pretty shameful considering I am going to library school in the fall. This time, however, was different! I managed to finish Heat and One Perfect Day, both of which I highly recommend, especially the former, as I am food and cooking-obsessed these days.

- do a Major Apartment Clean-Up! We are not categorically messy people, GP and I, but we tend to have a bit of clutter in key places, including leaving drinking glasses (him) and shoes (me) in our wake as we go about our apartment business. I managed, through the weekend, to tackle the kitchen floor (thanks, Method O-Mop!), vacuuming with out teeny-tiny vacuum cleaner, dual bathroom cleanup, and balcony organization. Since the balcony (re) construction, there has been a ton of debris and whatnot due to further roof construction. It is a regular three-ring circus of construction crap and noise in our complex! If only we could...you know, enjoy it being done.

- get through two loads of laundry! Well...one and a half? We have big dryers, and each load is $1 wash and $1 dry. We are not Rockefeller, you know.

- spend less than $100 at Target! This is a big deal, folks. I finished birthday shopping for my mom, snagged some Jergens Natural Glow for me, and grabbed a full-length mirror so I have nothing holding me back from participating in Mission: Put Together but my own morning indecision and subsequent donning of jeans and a sweater. (Why yes, it is upwards of 80 degrees outside. I am completely insane.)

- was able to watch live television again! So, remember that week where the DirecTV tripod lived in our living room? Yeah, that week ended, and we were able to have it re-erected...only to have the dish knocked out of alignment by a wayward roofer. They said that they "might" be able to pay for the realignment, and I think I "might" kill them if we end up having to pay for something that we did not do (!!!!!). Anyway, the DirecTV contractor showed up a good 90 minutes after the 4-hour window during which he was supposed to arrive had elapsed, but at least he fixed our tv. To celebrate, I went home for lunch today and watched Access Hollywood and felt some of my brain disintegrating.

- hopped back on the Lost bandwagon! GP and I watched "The Shape of Things to Come" last night, and I am conscientiously avoiding spoilers so that he doesn't kill me during any of the ensuing four episodes we have to watch so that we're caught up. While we are obsessed with television, we manage to be obsessed on our own terms.

How was your weekend, internets?

Thank God for the beef

I read somewhere a long time ago that that is roughly what Shia LaBoeuf's name means, and I am a bit jealous because Megan Elise Lastname? Doesn't mean a darn thing, probably because lastname is some mashup of multiple generations of slutty ancestors adapting their names to their new language. Anyway, on to the show-- it is Tuesday night, so I assume the more responsible of you have already gotten it out of your Tivos...

Our cold open this week is Hillary C. as the President, or in a message "brought to you by the President." Superdelegates, blah blah. I am bummed that the primaries are going on so long, but I am hopeful about the outcome, come November. Oh, and Hillary will be a great president because she is a "sore loser," her "supporters are racist" (I damn near died after she said this), and she "has no ethical standards"-- apparently they are having to back up the fact that they are not Hillary-biased, after having portrayed her more favorably earlier this season. The strange thing is, I am sure that they will make fun of whoever ends up winning, and whoever ultimately becomes President in the fall (cough Obama cough).

Monologue. Please, baby Jesus, no singing! That is all I ask. Shia LaBoeuf (who, if you must know, I have loved ever since the Even Stevens days) looks like quite the hipster, in his gray jeans and blazer and shit-ton of hair-product. The pants fit a bit oddly, and it leads me to believe that he may be wearing an adult diaper-- I'm just sayin'. Oh, and he hosted before? I suppose I blocked that out, due to my hatred of the Dear Sister sketch. Not a fan. But I am an Indiana Jones fan! Dude, he and James Bond were totally my prepubescent crushes; what can I say, I love a Man of Adventure. Highlights: Sean Connery (oh, I miss you, Celebrity Jeopardy!) shows, and is greatly chagrined to have been left off the Last Crusade lunchbox, and then Amy P. is Short Round (whatever happened to that kid?).

Ugh, MacGruber. Now with added Son of MacGruber! Unfortunately, there is little added humor, though there is a trio of awesome wigs. Oh, and Son of Mac Gruber is gay.

It's a Match, with Guy Lang! But Guy Lang has been murdered, and the six '70s celebrities are left to make references to a game show that is significantly older than Shia LaBoeuf. While "making whoopie" is only marginally humorous, Fred Armisen does a killer Paul Lynde. Also, great wig work.

Mercifully, there is a commercial break. Guys, I am totally going to see Crystal Skull, and none of you can stop me! It is probably going to be lame, but my love for Indiana Jones knows few bounds...

Yellow-jacketed LaBoeuf beckons us into the 16th Precinct, where three Game Stop shoplifters are being given a stern warning by a Scared Straight Kenan Thompson. They stand up, sit back down, and repeat, and it is about as funny as it sounds... Also, Bill Hader, a Stussy t-shirt? That is straight retro biznass. Oh, and a Goonies rehash. Just how old is LaBoeuf, anyway? I am a cranky old lady today. My back hurts from the elliptical, I don't know why.

MacGruber, again. I am having a hard time getting it up for this episode. I would so rather be watching crazy wedding programming.

But! Next week! Steve Carrell and Usher! I can't wait to see Get Smart. How much do I love Anne Hathaway and want to eat ice cream sundaes with her? The answer is "a lot."

Ok, we are into bulleted-list territory. Here's the quick and dirty version of the rest of the episode:
- Suze Orman Show. Crazy jacket, and where the hell is my stimulus check?
- Digital Short. LaBoeuf and Samberg are talkin' pantsless fashion in a locker room. Would this really be any more ridiculous than most guys usually look? At least it would be pretty funny, because, come on, naked dudes are pretty funny-looking.
- I watched My Morning Jacket perform, just for you, Jenn. They are pretty great, and totally not what I was expecting. SNL has been bringing the Pretty Sweet Music recently, what with the Vampire Weekend performance earlier this season and all...
- Weekend Update, which GP hilariously referred to as "the news." Always my favorite part of the episode.
- La Rivista della Televisione, where Bill Hader smokes a lot and I realize how tall Shia LaBoeuf is. Damn, kid!
- Another g-d MacGruber. There is kiss-vomiting, or vomit-kissing, or whatever. It is gross, and I don't like it one bit.
- Awkward Glances Across a Restaurant. So, I am not someone who gets many glances in restaurants (or Safeway, or the gym, or Starbucks, or whatever), but I imagine that it is about this awkward. What's up with that? I guess I would prefer staring to having to talk to them, though...because I am a Total Bitch.
- Again with My Morning Jacket. Loving it.
- Exaggerated Southerners try on clashing patterns. "Funky" is rarely something to aspire to, folks. But there is totally a shout-out to Decatur! Represent! Shia LaBoeuf, by the way, looks like your confused little brother, raiding your closet and trying on your pinkest dress. And now I understand the True Meaning of "Bless his heart."

On returning from the apartment-complex gym...

Some questions:

1. High school-aged girls, can we please watch something other than "A Shot at Love 2"?

2. "A Shot at Love 2" producers, how hard was it to come up with so many synonyms for "whore"? Betcha that thesaurus came in handy!

Sloppy Firsts

When Megan mentioned she was going on her fabulous Trip of Northern Aggression, the words of Michael Scott immediately sprang to mind. “Abraham Lincoln once said, ‘If you are racist, I will attack you with the North.’” I could really go for some colored greens right about now…

(Side note: We’ve come a long and weird way since the Diversity Day episode of The Office. I loved last night’s bizarro episode, but that never would have flown two or three seasons ago.)

(Side note to self: Gretchen, you don’t just launch into a critique of your favorite show without properly introducing yourself!)

Oh hai! I’m Gretchen, a.k.a. Gretch-a-sketch if ya nasty. I’m your Friday Fill-in!

Traditionally, I make top three lists. Without further ado, here are the Top Three: Reasons I Adore Megan…

1. Hello, cute shoes! The pictures speak for themselves.

2. She makes me laugh and I’m always secretly thrilled when people that make me laugh are willing to be my friend, too.

3. She’s super sarcastic, but also incredibly sweet to send me books when I need good reads.


Confession time: I’m a virgin guest poster…this is my first time. I think it’s only appropriate to tell you all ('scuse me, y'all) about another first time. (Disclaimer: I’m really, really Mormon. Therefore, this is going to be a very PG-rated story, but in the good Pixar-way, not in the lame Disney-sequel-way.)

I’m talking about the huge event in every young LDS girl’s life—leaving the VL club.

It was October of my senior year of high school. (Back story: Six months earlier, I met a boy we’ll call Denny. We met at a…you guessed it…Denny’s in SoCal during band tour. I was an orch dork, he was 100% band geek.) I asked him to the Dogpatch Dance (my school’s version of Sadie Hawkins) and had a decent enough time. It was a reaaaaaalllly long date, so by the end of the night I was pretty much sick of him and ready to go home. Naturally, we went out again three weeks later and held hands.

There was a whole lot of convoluted high school drama for the next few months. I won’t bore you with the details, we’ve all been there. ANYHOW, exactly six months to the day after the dance, we were hanging out with some friends. It included a movie and Jamba Juice. At Jamba, Denny and I split a Raspberry Lime Sublime and shared the same straw.

Holy cow, this was a big deal to me at the time. You see, we’d been side-stepping around the kissing issue for a good two months or so. We were both chicken, so nothing transpired. I thought for sure he’d take the initiative during Band Tour 2: Electric Boogaloo, but NO.

But this night, I knew for sure something was going to happen. There was a long walk around the park and a longer walk up to the doorstep (at least, it felt like it). I’d be make this clear right away—the doorstep scene? Was about thirty minutes long. About ninety-nine point seven percent of that was spent either a) talking about the fact that we should just get the kissing thing over with already or b) in silence, awkwardly hugging. Add this to the facts that the whole neighborhood could watch if they felt so inclined and that my parents could possibly hear the whole thing from the bedroom window equals one very surreal experience.

Basically, our conversation went something like this:
G: Thanks! I had a great time tonight.
D: Hey, me too! So…uh, you know that thing I’ve been wanting to do for a while? Do you think we should? [The word “kiss” was never said the entire night.]
G: I dunno…do you?
D: Yeah, but I mean, how…um…how do we go about this?
G: I don’t know! You’re the guy in this relationship.
D: Well, you’re the brains!
G: sighs Okay, well, um, maybe we just…I don’t know, are you sure you want to?
D: sighs Yes, I’m sure.
G: Okay then.

This is where I nervously lick my lips and pull away from the hug to face him. Then I freak out and go back into the hug stage. We repeat this about twenty times, which is NOT an overestimatation.

Finally, it gets to the point where I know I have to just get it over with or I’d go inside and nothing would ever happen. So, I face him and begin to slo-o-o-o-wly lean in. (The whole 90-10 Hitch rule wouldn’t come out for another year or so. This was definitely a 50-50 effort.) Once our mouths meet, there was a slight attacking on my part, because I want a good first kiss, dangit! However, I think his train of thought went, “Choo-choo! All aboard for the Awkward Express! Next stop: Gymclassville. Your conductor would also like to note that apparently just touching lips is enough to count for a first kiss." Holy miscommunication, Batman! I stop, because he isn’t kissing me back. Not good. There’s a fair amount of tense laughter and then he has the gall to suggest we try it again! Oh yeah, he also adds, “My way or your way?”

Me: what the huh? Your way, I guess.

This time goes slightly better, but it’s still just a peck.

Repeat AGAIN.

Curfew rolls around and I start to go in to my house. He stops me and asks me if he can kiss me goodnight. It’s short, but really quite sweet. I step inside, check in with my mom, and get ready for bed. I look in the mirror and I believe my exact thought was, “Wow. That was weird and not really very fun. What’s the big fuss?”

The kissing definitely improved, although things didn’t work out with Denny in the long run. And there you have it, internet. I’ve told that story a million times over to roomies and friends, but never seen it all written out like that. Feel free to cringe, since I know I did.

Come and say hi!

Stuff to smile about

You know, besides the fact that it's Friday.

1. The weather! It finally feels like spring, and very nearly summer. I know it's boring to blog about the weather (what are we, in the grocery line?), but whatever. I present to you, two screen shots from this afternoon:


Yaaay, The Weather Channel widget says it's 80 degrees out there! It is about 65 in my office, but I have been taking every opportunity to step outside and soak in all the warm that I can. Special bonus: it now says that it's 81, so there.


This fakey, Vista-created sticky note was on my screen this morning, and I suspect that GP may have had something to do with it. Also, please note the stated temperature. Awesome.

2. The obligatory Shoe-of-the-Day...


...is a patent-leather, peep-toe flat from NY&Co. No feets in this one, mostly because I am so pale that when I'm cold (as I am generally in my office, and as my feet generally are, oh...all the time), my skin changes color in an unappealing way. Also, the internet is not ready for my toes. Not just yet. The background of this picture, by the way, is a bunch of pink packing peanuts that showed up in a box that was delivered to the office a million years ago, that I decided to string up and suspend from the ceiling of my old office (think garlands-- it was awesome). When I moved into my new office, with the clean lines and sleek green-and-black, I decided the pink fluff couldn't come along. I'm a little sad to see it go.

3. The Office (and, of course, 30 Rock) last night! I've been talking about it with EP and Maxie, but I need to know what you all thought of it, too! I almost posted my favorite parts of the episode, but I don't want to spoil anything for those of you that missed it and are catching up with Tivo or whatever. Leave it in the comments, please!

4. The dinner options for tonight, which are as follows...
-our favorite sushi place, which gives you crazy amounts of food for relatively cheap...you know, for sushi and all
-a local German-style hofbrau, where there are carving stations and retarded amounts of beer
-Greek/Mediterranean, at a place that we haven't been to yet but have heard good things about-- I am craving some dolmas and hummus!

Three-thing Thursday

1. Today I went to the lady-bits doctor, and she told me that I was "glowing" and that I looked like Katherine Heigl (love the dress!), which she intended (and I took!) as a compliment. While it was weird to be getting a compliment that included the star of Knocked Up from my gynecologist, I was very flattered, especially since I've gained twenty pounds since I last saw her. She was very positive about the weight gain-- "It suits you well!" Damn, Dr. Chu...I only wish I could see you more often.

2. A coworker and I did, in fact, make it to the Chipotle opening today to get our free burritos! The line was long, reminiscent of lines I used to wait in while I was in college-- for Diddy Riese, Ben & Jerry's Free Cone Day, or movies at the Fox Theater. (Hey, only two of those were food-related! Nice!) My burrito was tasty, and we were in and out of there, and enjoying our tasty burritos, within about 15 minutes. It was magical.

3. I know you all know this already, but there are new episodes of The Office and 30 Rock tonight! You need to watch both shows, unless you hate joy, laughter, and puppies. And I know you don't. Also, get your asses over to Gretch-A-Sketch to watch fan-videos before The Office starts, because it's not like you're going to watch My Name Is Earl...right?

Bonus Thing #4: I am making a Rachael Ray recipe tonight that she refers to as a "gut-buster." I am disgusted by this description, but still hopeful that it will be delicious.

Dear Today Show...

Dear Today Show,

To borrow a phrase from our friend Stephen Colbert, you are officially On Notice. From that baby that you claim knows how to read, to Laura Schlessinger talking about women driving their husbands to cheat, to asking Jim Cramer, a FINANCIAL expert, about his friendship with Elliot Spitzer, your segments this week have been even more grating than usual. It's bad enough that I have to watch Meredith Vieira forget that she's now on a more "legitimate" morning show than The View (please, let's not get me started on Elisabeth Hasselbeck), but now I have to watch this baby, who is really more "local news" material (I need to see some corroborating studies, please!), too? I love babies and all, and do think that infidelity is wrong, and can understand that we might want to know, in an inappropriate and slightly voyeuristic way, what Jim Cramer thinks of what his friend did, but I have a sense of decorum. Today Show, I love your dramatic opening music, and I love that my DVR allows me to start you a little late, so I can watch your longest (and most actual-news-related) segment before I leave for work in the morning. But if you continue in this manner, and if I have to look at Drew Peterson's ugly, young-wife-killing mug one (or a couple) more time(s), I'm going to be forced to listen to Morning Edition instead. Don't make me be more of a yuppie than I already am, mmkay?

Regards,
Megan

Carrots and Sticks (or, How I Managed to Do Work and Recap SNL Simultaneously)

Ok, so I'm officially a week behind on my big self-imposed project of recapping SNL for the benefit of the internets, but it's because I'm buried under a mountain of tests that we're running at work! There are three going on right now, one of which we just (finally!) wrapped up actively testing, which involved forty people. My task now (well, one of them) is to get all the business they wrote down and said into a nice, neat Excel file, so no one has to look through a huge stack of papers but me. So, in order to kill two birds with one stone (and one of the birds in this case is decidedly less of a pain in my ass), I have devised a Genius Plan: I will enter some data, and recap a little. Then I will go back to the stupid data, and when I have entered some more, I will allow myself to go back to recapping. Sounds easy enough, but we'll see. Masochist that I am, I have elected to begin entering data first-- at least I'll get to do it on my PC laptop here at home, rather than my work Mac, which does not like to work with Excel in any attractive way.

(Only 18 more to go! I will allow myself at least the cold open and monologue.)

Second week in a row of a "Decision '08" cold open? If you say so, show. Let's see how this goes. Will Forte, you are no Brian Williams (great impression, though). How awesome would it be if they got actual Brian Williams to do one of these sketches? I know he hosted recently, and my love for Brian really knows no bounds. I need to see him on weekends, too! Darrell Hammond as Tim Russert...who is sometimes quite the caricature of himself anyway. Yes, political debates, especially regarding healthcare, can be a bit...dry, to say the least. Which is a little sad, considering what a critical issue it is. "Sweet Georgia Brown," indeed, Fake Brian. I know that Hillary Clinton herself will be having a cameo sometime in this episode, so I think that she must have some sort of sense of humor, after being called not only aggressive, relentless, and demanding, but also annoying, pushy, grating, bossy, shrill, and unpleasant in the beginning of the show. Not sure I love Fred Armisen's Obama... My attention is being lost, even though I think really everyone is giving their best impersonation here-- just not the best writing. We get it! The media loves Obama! Hillary can be a bit grating at times! It's...not that funny. Ooh, Law and Order "bomp-bomp"! And Vincent D'Onofrio, who is in my least favorite series of the franchise, CI. "...not a joke." You're telling me.

Oh! There she is! I have to say, even though I voted for Obama, I still think Hillary Clinton is a pretty amazing woman. I saw her speak in DC when I was in college for a rally/event, and got more than a little misty because it was such a politically charged moment. Whether or not you disagree with her tactics or policies, you have to admit that it's pretty freakin' amazing that we have a legitimate woman in the race for a party's nomination for President (that's the reason I can't absolutely loathe Elizabeth Dole, so it does work both ways). The "I love your outfit" exchange reminds me of the "Janet Reno Dance Party" exchange between Will Ferrell and Janet Reno, with the, "I like your dress, Janet...I like your dress, too, Janet." (See? I have been watching this show forever!)Hillary's laugh, though? Really terrible. But at least she can...laugh about it?

Ellen Page. Adorable, loved her in Juno. I'm interested to see how she fares in sketch comedy, and wondering if she can break out of the "quippy and quirky" mold. She does it well, but I want something else. First impression-- this is shallow, but I like her hair! It's the first time I've seen it down in maybe forever. Very nice. Her mannerisms coupled with the leather jacket are a little Fonzie, though. Andy Samberg as Diablo Cody...not as inaccurate as you might think. That Diablo is one tall drink of water.

(Ok, back to work now...)

Back! I realize some of the effect of my back-and-forthing is lost by doing this all as one post, but liveblogging this would be even stupider. Get excited, though, because I only have 12 more to go! This is totally a big deal.

The Dakota Fanning Show! Please tell me this will involve EP dressed as a small child-- for some reason, the concept is hilarious to me. Also, when will Dakota Fanning be too old to be considered precocious? The shrug-and-arm-flail is pretty off-putting... And ooh, I want to see Persepolis. "Dakota Fanning" talks to real kids in Rockefeller Center about global political issues, David Lynch movies, John Updike, and Bonjour Tristesse. This is about as funny as is sounds, which is not very. YES! EP as Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, who is sublimely annoying. There is much hyperventilatory conversation, and a mention of Aeolian wind harp solos, which I don't think would be possible, right? Don't they just sit there in the window, sounding at the wind's whim? Sorry about the alliteration. Also, about this sketch.

Saturday TV Funhouse brings us...The Obama Files. Cartoon Obama talks to Cartoon Jesse Jackson in a janitor's closet, where Cartoon Jesse produces 100 rhymes for "change." Cartoon Brian Williams is struck by a blow dart when Cartoon Al Sharpton comes to talk to Cartoon Obama, and Al recounts his misadventures in eastern Paraguay and is outfitted with a dog's shock collar. I die a little inside, because, you guys? This is pretty lame.

Ellen Page and Kristen Wiig are...secretaries? In a wood-paneled office. Fred Armisen steps into the foreground to tell us about The College For Excellence, which is sometimes where I think I should have gone, with all the big bucks and job satisfaction that my English degree is bringing me. The College for Excellence, by the way, is located above a Korean Savings Bank, so that's how you know it's good-- I bet that bank takes care of all the student loans for the CoE! I wish I knew high-class business terminology. Stupid UCLA. The high-class business terminology, also, consists of phrases like, "I sent that mass email, and I cc'd everybody." This sketch is pretty solid and reminds me some corporate jargon flashcards I saw and almost bought once Low-hanging fruit, anyone?

Next week (or tonight, whatever), we have Amy Adams! And Vampire Weekend, which is something I assume the kids are listening to nowadays. It is hilarious to hear Don Pardo say the name of the band, though...

Back to work! (...guys, I'm almost done! Yay! Take that, pile of papers!)

The Other Boleyn Girl parody sketch. Has anyone seen this movie? I do love me some English history! Anne Boleyn likes riding steeds, but I don't think she's talking about horses. Dirty! Her sister is a bit of a hussy, and is less skilled at the double entendre. Kristen Wiig shows up as the "Other-Other" (and unibrowed) Boleyn girl, and it gets a little silly--and that's when the fourth sister shows up, and the fifth (a veritable Nubian princess). This sketch is lame, and, fortunately, pretty brief.

SNL Digital Short! Yay! Previous shorts include Lazy Sunday, Dick in a Box, and Laser Cats, so I expect something pretty great. Then again, I couldn't stand "Dear Sister." Sorry. Ellen Page awakens with a start, and wanders into her bathroom to take some aspirin. She's startled by...Andy Samberg as a developmentally delayed mime? In her bathroom mirror. He pops up a couple times in quick succession, holding a tropical drink with an umbrella in it, licking a lollipop, and doing some quick reps with what look like 5-pound weights. In that last pop-up, he looked a little like "Let's Get Physical"-era Olivia Newton John. Was it all a dream? Ellen sits up in bed, again, goes into the bathroom, and the not-mime is on the toilet, reading the paper. Come on, SNL, what are you? Mad TV? The not-mime, in the next scene, awakens with a start, takes some aspirin, and is startled by EP. They then wake up with a start next to each other, and touch fingers in an ET sort of way. Dracula and his wife/girlfriend are there, as is a werewolf. Everyone's very startled, and this sketch is no Dick in a Box. But at least it's not Dear Sister.

Wilco plays, and I like them and all, but you know what happens to musical guests on TiVo. Bleep-bloop!

Weekend Update! Love. We're "not" going to be in a recession, beef has been recalled, Obama isn't really a Muslim, and McCain made a poor choice of opening speakers. Virgin Atlantic did the first biofueled flight, which seems cool, and Rudy Giuliani shows up! Remember when he wanted to be president? That was a strange time. Let's not pretend that he ever had a snowball's chance of getting that nomination. Bugs are a good source of protein, western states are 500% dustier than they were 200 years ago, and Mike Bloomberg is trying to establish oyster beds in NYC waterways... Naps are important! But 6 minutes? Child's play. Fred Armisen is Nicholas Fehn, political comedian-- one who manages not to be very funny at all, like many political comedians. This makes me yearn for Cinders Calhoun, in the Lilith Fair era...some special guests are more special than others, you know.

TiVo says there are about 30 minutes left, so I think that means I have to finish my work and then come back...I have high hopes for that last 30 minutes, however foolish that might be.

Ahh! I just finished with my big stack of papers! But I also realized that there's a basketball game that I have to get through on the TiVo before I leave to watch yet more basketball with my dad. Sorry, SNL. We'll catch up tomorrow, probably.

*There will be linkage added for a little color and interest, but honestly...basketball! Sorry, internets, you lose.

Return of SNL!

I decided to do a Tivo "live"-blog of the first Saturday Night Live after the end of the writer's strike. I figured that since I was watching it and commenting aloud, maybe the internet would enjoy the commentary as well. It may well become a regular feature, so any and all feedback is welcome, but please be constructive!

Cold open: CNN Democratic Debate sketch pretty accurately captures everyone’s Obamania…I will admit that I’m part of it. Yeah, shut up.

Ahhh! Tina Fey! I love just about everything about her, including her cute little black dress. Good job calling it “aught-seven.” (Totally something I do-- I'm hoping it will catch on) Hitting her with the boom microphone is a little silly, since there probably isn’t a writer holding it. I suppose, however, that when there were no writers, the crew was out of work as well. Ok then, we’re glad everyone’s back!
Oh! Steve Martin shows up, as he is wont to do. GP says, “Isn’t he, like, 80?” He probably is. Let’s see…he’s this old. Hey, Steve Martin, don’t bring up the Spanx. Sometimes they're necessary! I like the “I can do it!” routine, mostly because of my deep-seated Tina Fey love, which you may remember from a couple sentences ago.

Fake commercial for once-a-year period birth control (Seasonale parody). Is that Katie Holmes? Is that Fergie? Who is that girl? Haha, periods are awful. I like that they kept the hot pink accents throughout the horrifying period montage.

Rock of Love parody…is this really going to be more ridiculous than the actual Rock of Love? Woo! Every rose does have its thorn. GP loves Kristen Wiig, and there’s my lady Tina Fey, nearly unrecognizable in a blonde wig and huge lips. Amy Poehler as a one-legged suitorette, reprising the role from a previous…Rock of Love(?) parody. That other girl looks more like Fergie than Katie Holmes, on second thought, and she’s wearing a cross, which is pretty typical of some of the Rock of Love ladies. Some of them do love baby Jesus! I enjoy Jason Sudeikis, but at times his mannerisms remind me of SNL-era Will Ferrell, but it may just be because he plays George W., too. This sketch went on for about 90 seconds more than it needed to.

A message for old people, being confused and scared at today’s movies because they don’t know any of the actors in them—these kids nowadays! The man’s wife has put his grandsons in contemporary movies, and the effect is marginally funny. Andy Samberg and Bill Heder are the grandsons, decoding the language for grandpa and waving as they march across scenes of There Will Be Blood and others. The Transforming Robots (instead of Transformers)—love it! That’s definitely a “grandparent” way to describe it. Faces of the grandsons are superimposed onto the dvd covers, with hilarity that is equal to the general humor of superimposition (about a 3, out of 10, depending on context). You can find these dvds at the store! Old people are funny, this sketch made me chuckle a couple times.

“What’s That Bitch Talking About?” game show. The contestants are Tina Fey playing a person who looks like Tina Fey (and is an “editorial assistant,” so…she’s a writer playing a lower-level writer?) and Bill Heder, for the prize of a “canary yellow Mazda Protégé.” The first challenge is Amy Poehler on a cell phone, we hear only one side of the conversation…yeah, this is pretty lame. First point goes to Tina. Mystery woman shouting in a Southern accent (this woman may actually be a bitch, technically)…point to Tina, again. The answers are very detailed. Kristen Wiig saying, “Okay, okay, okay…” into a phone at regular intervals…Tina wins again! Bill Heder wins the consolation prize, the home game—with Ann Coulter, the Queen, Whitney Houston, and that idiotic Miss Teen USA chick who doesn’t know shit about maps. Tina goes to the bonus round, answering, “Who does that bitch think she is?” The queen of Sheba, my dad, and Heidi freakin’ Klum win Tina the Protégé and a free gallon of gasoline. Pretty solid, as it relied on some good variations for laughs, rather than trying to hit the same spot over and over.

Carrie Underwood. Skip. I like her and all (cute dress for “the box social,” says GP), but this is generally what I do during musical guests. Sorry, musical guests.

Weekend Update! Lead story is the NYT/John McCain scandal. (I just realized that I can’t transcribe each joke, so you’re stuck with what makes me laugh, sorry) Fidel Castro resigns—“quitter.” Seth Myers, can we go out for French toast sometime? The Devil Frog—as terrifying as it sounds? Is that thing even real? Mike Huckabee shows up to explain why he’s still hanging around the race, and explains that he doesn’t believe in “mathematical impossibility,” just like he doesn’t believe in “evolution,” “homosexuality,” and “gravity.” Seth clears things up…wouldn’t it be great if Huckabee dropped out of the race on SNL? But it’s not gonna happen. Just when is he going to drop out of the race with “grace and class”? Huckabee overstays his welcome, again. I see the word “kitten” and am intrigued. It pays off! Hip-hop kitten! Mattew McCounaghey promotes D&G fragrance, shirtless. I never really saw why he was attractive, he just seems so grubby. Women’s News with Tina Fey—it’s a great time to be a lady in America! LiLo does NY magazine, looks different and old; more strokes are happening to older women; Kirstie Alley has “not” regained the weight she lost on Jenny Craig. She’s a Scientologist? Also, Hillary Clinton is running for the presidential nomination…and yet women vote for Barack because Oprah told them to. I have to say, I love Bill and Hillary, and yet I voted for Obama. I hope that Hillary ends up being the vice-president, though. Bitches doget stuff done! Weekend Update, I think I’ve missed you most of all. Also, I think that this is where the writing really shines.

NBC “commercial,” Celebrity Apprentice, another Celebrity Apprentice. Jaleel White went to UCLA! Awesome. There’s that girl again! Also, “dingle-dangle” is a funny way to talk about anatomy, and Rachael Ray is annoying, but not that annoying. Another Celebrity Apprentice with marginal “celebrities,” and even another one with the Question Mark Guy and the old dude from the Six Flags commercials.

Drunk bridesmaid gives a teary toast at a wedding reception, chugs champagne. Best man is Midwestern and shouty (Jason Sudeikis sounding like Will Ferrell’s Harry Caray, later seeming sort of like Chris Farley in his timing and delivery), and I know it’s a parody, but it’s as uncomfortable as I imagine some receptions must be. I am tired of this sketch already, and its only been about a minute. If I were watching this live, this would be the point at which I decide to go to bed.

“Sick of the airport?” Virgania Horsen’s Hot Air Balloon Rides, where you get to be alone in a balloon with this strange woman (whose name I thought was “vagina,” and had to rewind to make sure that I was hearing/spelling it properly). Lame. The first week back from the strike, and we get this? If you’re going to throw me a low-production-value commercial parody, at least make it as good as the “Marble Columns” one with Scarlett Johansson (that I wish I could link to, but seems to have disappeared).

“Food Network—porn for fat people.” Two characters from There Will Be Blood (played by Bill Heder and Amy Poehler), talking about milkshakes. I think this will be funnier if I had seen the movie…but we’ll see. They drink a milkshake with a huge straw. It’s not really even as funny as it sounds. The guy from No Country for Old Men joins them as a special guest, and “Daniel Day-Lewis” (Bill Heder) freaks out and repeats some lines that I assume are from the movie. Lame. This is why I Tivo SNL, see? Bleep bloop.

Fake movie preview.* Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are two women who (I will assume) ultimately become friends despite their differences, one of them is pregnant, and I would totally go see this movie if it were real. It couldn’t be any stupider than Knocked Up, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. The movie, by the way, is called Baby Mama. Wait, is this real? It’s followed by a regular commercial. This is really confusing.

Carrie Underwood again. She is wearing, as far as I can tell, a vest, jeans, and over-the-knee boots. She’s also wearing enormous hoop earrings and a leather cuff that has to be 6 inches wide. It’s pretty fug. I do, however, kind of dig the song because it has fiddle, and I’m ok with that.

Lady Business, a parody of all the Pink Jungle Cashmere Mafia business. Man, I miss Sex and the City. This is why I’m nervous about the SATC movie: it’s become such a caricature of itself, especially since they started to syndicate it and there began to be “What Sex and the City Character are you?” applications on Facebook and whatnot. I think it’s a really well-written show with a lot of heart (it’s made me cry, even upon repeat viewings of the same episodes), but I’m afraid that the freshness that made it so special and of-its-time will have worn off by the time it hits theaters.

Don Pardo is 90! This is insane. That cake is insane. Everyone seems very exuberant and happy to be back in Studio 8H.

Overall, a solid B. Nothing made me scream with laughter, but I watched every sketch all the way through. With Tivo, it’s pretty tempting to just be like, “see ya!” so I feel like SNL worked it out. Welcome back, friends!

P.S. They’re bringing quarterlife to actual tv? Interesting. Having never seen it, please advise. Is it worth my time?

P.P.S. Casey Wilson, you're welcome. I read just about every article that came up when I googled you. You are quite funny, and I'm sorry that I said you look like Fergie.

* Upon review, it turns out this movie is real. I apologize—I was really only paying about 40% attention when I first saw it. I am definitely going to see this, mostly because of my residual guilt at not voting for Hillary Clinton, as well as my deep and abiding love for Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I will only be a little disappointed when it turns out to be pretty bad.

The Lost Weekend

Yes, friends, I'm catching up on Lost. He's been streaming it at work, and I've been trying to keep up by reading Television Without Pity recaps, which are as engaging as the show is AND are well-written in and of themselves. This weekend with likely consist of household errands, cleaning and organizing, our Super Bowl party, and watching way more Lost than many will think humanly possible. Wish me luck!