What I'm loving right now...

This is one of those posts that begins composing itself in one's head a good two or three weeks before it finally gets posted. Not to say that the quality of the writing is that greatly improved, but it does mean that I really, truly do love these things...

New Sephora acquisitions: I am always so excited to make my final selections after loading my basket with a ton of "maybe" items. When I get home, I find myself tearing open the (pretty, pretty) packaging and using whatever I have purchased. Case in point-- went with MaGP when they were in town a couple weeks ago for my shower (which, ok, I am lame and haven't talked about or posted pictures...but I'm waiting on our photographer to send me the pictures!), and bought a Jurlique sample pack (am totally in love, convinced that I need to buy products that include a nearly-$70 "herbal recovery gel," oh yes I do) and Laura Mercier Magical Flawless Skin Set (or something like that, seriously, they should let me name their products). Got home and headed straight to the bathroom for face-washing and makeup-putting-on. Pure magic, I tell you.

West Wing. Period. I don't know where the hell I was when this originally aired (high school? Gah, what was I watching instead of this?), but I am so happy to have it in my life now. We have borrowed seasons 1-4 from one of GP's friends, and burned right through them. I'm downloading season 5 right now, and...oh my god, you guys, I am in love with AMERICA! And Josh Lyman, and, yeah, a little bit with Will Bailey. But that might just be residual Jeremy-love from my Sports Night watching (another Sorkin show, quite lovely, really. With Peter Krause, so...bonus!).

String cheese. Where have you been all my life, low moisture, part-skim mozzarella? Never leave me, ok? (Remember that time I gave up cheese for Lent, even though I am not the biggest fan of Jebus? Wasn't that just awful?)

How little time there is until The Wedding. Ha, you thought you'd be able to get through a single post without me mentioning it? You, my friend, are a fool. Because I have only one month and three days left, and I. Am. Ready for this thing. I am tired of making decisions, and already of chasing down the seven delinquent RSVPs, and tired in advance when I think about how ridiculous all the little things that we have to do before we can just Be Married are. But that's why we do them, right? Because we are convinced that, at the end of the day, it will be worth it. And I know it will.

Um, not to go back to something as silly as television, but I am more than reasonably excited for all my shows to start! I am filling the void with Bravo reality programming (I am more of a fan of old raisin-faced Rachel Zoe than I thought, though I want to throw Taylor straight into a swimming pool, Melrose Place-style) and new Project Runway (my favorite so far? Shirin.), but I have already re-watched the Glee pilot once (and am not above watching it again), and can't wait for new seasons of 30 Rock and The Office. Too bad we have to wait until January for more Lost...

Twitter! I am so late to the party on this one that it's a little silly to be so up in arms about it, but...I am. In my boss's absence, I am co-manning the library's Twitter account, and let me tell you, organizational Twitter accounts, especially in our field, are fricking boring. Mine, I promise, is much more entertaining. It is much as I thought, very similar to my Facebook status updates, but more conversational. I still can't believe that there aren't more younger Twitter users--I believe there was a quote in the NYT article about Twitter where a teenager said that Twitter seemed "more, like, professional," and I say to this teenager...what? I am sort of living in fear of any potential future employers (who we will assume lack much of a sense of humor, for the sake of argument) discovering my tweets. Professional, my ass.

Also. Get excited, friends! I took GP out for dinner last night to mark a birthday that officially means he is in his Late Twenties, and the blog came up...and he offered to do a guest post. So. Get! Excited! It is likely to be wedding-or-mawwage related, but will be completely different from my constant oh-my-god-I'm-going-to-kill-someone wedding rantiness. Anyone have a question or two for him? I'm sure he will be happy to oblige...

Window-licking

(The title comes from my first day-trip to Paris, when I was 12. My uncles took me on a Eurostar/bus tour of Paris, and as we drove past the many, many drool-worthy shops, our native French speaker of a guide talked about "window licking," as opposed to "window shopping." Because I was 12 and a little dense at the time, I swear she said "window leaking." I did not get it.) Long intro, I know. So, without further ado, I present to you...things that I would love to own and sport in Paris, but am too depressed about the dollar/Euro exchange rate to actually purchase, courtesy of Shop It To Me.

First, the dresses. A DVF, from Nordstrom, a steal at $171 (that's half off, folks!).I am loving the bateau neck and the chic ponytail, both of which I can pull off for much cheaper. Sorry, Diane. I still think you're lovely.


Now, a great, summery Lilly Pulitzer. Not the trademark Lilly pink and green (love! Drool!), but a yellow that I know everyone is digging right now. Available from Bloomingdales, $195.


One last DVF, a bit on the safari side. I can't decide what I think about the neckline, but I am leaning towards affection. dvf.com, $207 (Yikes)



Now, the shoes! Just one today-- a Steve Madden wedge that I envision would be either on the "horribly uncomfortable" or "like a dream" end of the comfort spectrum...what do you think? $60 on shoes.com


Finally, just for comparison sake-- I give you these, which look suspiciously like a pair I got at Target for about, oh...$6. So there. I win shopping!

(Post) Weekend Update

While I can't claim to have been overwhelmingly busy last weekend, I still managed to be occupied enough not to blog. This, then, is what you are left with: bullets! What I managed to do in two days, aside from blog avoidance...

- entertain! Technically this was Friday, but I am including it because I am amazed that I was able to stay up past 10pm. I have been falling into the "in bed by 9:30" routine, which, while not bad in itself, sort of hampers one's social life. Oh, and I made a very popular (what? There were three other people eating it!) avocado mango shrimp salad (even though I ended up using papaya instead-- result of a very boring grocery-store tale). No heat required, and very refreshing. You have to try it!

- finish two library books! I am terrible, generally, at getting through books that I check out before they are (over)due, which is pretty shameful considering I am going to library school in the fall. This time, however, was different! I managed to finish Heat and One Perfect Day, both of which I highly recommend, especially the former, as I am food and cooking-obsessed these days.

- do a Major Apartment Clean-Up! We are not categorically messy people, GP and I, but we tend to have a bit of clutter in key places, including leaving drinking glasses (him) and shoes (me) in our wake as we go about our apartment business. I managed, through the weekend, to tackle the kitchen floor (thanks, Method O-Mop!), vacuuming with out teeny-tiny vacuum cleaner, dual bathroom cleanup, and balcony organization. Since the balcony (re) construction, there has been a ton of debris and whatnot due to further roof construction. It is a regular three-ring circus of construction crap and noise in our complex! If only we could...you know, enjoy it being done.

- get through two loads of laundry! Well...one and a half? We have big dryers, and each load is $1 wash and $1 dry. We are not Rockefeller, you know.

- spend less than $100 at Target! This is a big deal, folks. I finished birthday shopping for my mom, snagged some Jergens Natural Glow for me, and grabbed a full-length mirror so I have nothing holding me back from participating in Mission: Put Together but my own morning indecision and subsequent donning of jeans and a sweater. (Why yes, it is upwards of 80 degrees outside. I am completely insane.)

- was able to watch live television again! So, remember that week where the DirecTV tripod lived in our living room? Yeah, that week ended, and we were able to have it re-erected...only to have the dish knocked out of alignment by a wayward roofer. They said that they "might" be able to pay for the realignment, and I think I "might" kill them if we end up having to pay for something that we did not do (!!!!!). Anyway, the DirecTV contractor showed up a good 90 minutes after the 4-hour window during which he was supposed to arrive had elapsed, but at least he fixed our tv. To celebrate, I went home for lunch today and watched Access Hollywood and felt some of my brain disintegrating.

- hopped back on the Lost bandwagon! GP and I watched "The Shape of Things to Come" last night, and I am conscientiously avoiding spoilers so that he doesn't kill me during any of the ensuing four episodes we have to watch so that we're caught up. While we are obsessed with television, we manage to be obsessed on our own terms.

How was your weekend, internets?

In which I shop, spontaneously and plentifully

Really, is there any other way? Hoping to find some great stuff for Mother's Day, I headed to the mall. I do not go as frequently as, say, high school-- when I used to go multiple times in a week, relishing the dual rewards of having a driver's license and a part-time job-- but I still enjoy the plethora of great stores there. Thanks, Westfield! I would say that I managed a good bit of restraint, but on the other hand, I did a fair amount of damage. I did talk myself out of things, though!

The haul is as follows...


Short bubble dress from Forever 21, to be paired with some black leggings, which are my first leggings since about third grade. I am late to the party, but still a bit hesitant about them. They will not, under any circumstances, be worn as pants. Also, in walking around various stores, I saw that there was a big Black and Pink Moment happening, which is nice because it's a color combo that I like, and was able to re-create for pretty cheap. I am worried that I'm getting too old to shop at Forever 21, and do have some sweatshop concerns...but my love of a comfy little dress outweighs these things. Does that make me a terrible person?


What can I say, I love a big-ass ring. Also, this thing was less than $3. I win! There are also some flat, cream-colored sandals, but you'll have to wait until they're a Shoe of the Day to see those...

I stopped into this Heritage 1981 store, and was perplexed. Is it the same thing as Forever 21, but a little more hipster? That they are near each other in my mall does not help matters any-- does anyone know what the heck this store is? I am also a little bummed that 1981 is now this crazy-in-the-past time. The kids working there were definitely born in the '90s, and that's just wrong.

Next was Papyrus, which was really the only stop I needed to make while I was there (everything else was just a bonus!), and I picked up cards for my grandma and GP's mom (from him...I know! I am a great girlfriend), as well as these cute pink and brown cards that were half off. I couldn't resist!

Ann Taylor was a bit of a bust-- I didn't end up even trying anything on, although I did see the polka dot dress that was in the last Shop It To Me email. Everything at Ann Taylor was blue or green, and I was just not in that mood today. Luckily, a few doors down, there was NY&Co., with its siren song of a sale. Buy one get another 50% off, it crooned. Who was I to argue?

I walked out with two tops, including this one...


(which I will not be pairing with my blue-and-white checked pants, thankyouverymuch), as well as another one that is sort of purple-y and black, with sequin detailing around the neck. (Upon seeing this shirt, GP remarked that I have a lot of clothes that make me look like a flapper. I am not sure that he knows what a flapper is.) I also made off with a trio of their new body products (so delicious-smelling! I got the gardenia and pomegranate ones) for $15 (!!!) and a cute pair of earrings. Oh, and this little number:


Memorial Day is almost here folks! Not that I pay much attention to that particular rule...

Shop It To Me Tuesday!

Don't worry, there are three more days of Tales From the South, but I had to squeeze in some lovelies that showed up in my inbox this morning. Basically, when you sign up for Shop It To Me, you input your size and brand preferences, and they send you things that are on sale from various online retailers. If nothing else, it is a great way to get some online window shopping done, plus they've already found your sizes! In short, everyone wins.

First, we have the shoes. Shoes generally come first, right? Some red Nine West d'Orsay pumps from Endless, for about $50 (although I am already the proud owner of a pair that look a lot like these, plus a bow, that I got from Le Target for about $25...)

Then there are the following purses...I am having a big Cole Haan love affair right now. For instance, with this:
Which is still about $320 on Zappos. Not now, Cole Haan, not now. Oh, and I want to get this bag into my life, too...

Now, the two skirts-- one from Vera Wang Lavender Label, and the other from our friend Marc Jacobs...


And, finally, the dress parade. I have few occasions at which it would be appropriate to wear these, but I like to fantasize about a grand life that enables me with the funds, body, and venues to show these off.
What do we think, is the bubble hem a yea or nay?
Faaaabulous!
Now, I suppose it wouldn't be inappropriate to own this, but I am trying to break into the world of "color" right now, and escape my black-and-white leanings.

I mean, come on...tomorrow is payday.

If I had a million dollars...

...I would probably buy most of the things listed in my bi-weekly Shop It To Me email. I'd start with these...

Givenchy, courtesy of zappos.com, a steal at $333.

Then, of course, this Calvin Klein number, which is under $200!



Somehow, I can't justify spending over $100 on a top, even this cute DVF one.



I am, however, now accepting opinions on the following "sweater." Come on, it's only $40! And don't worry, I will probably wear a shirt under it.



P.S. Today my shoes are boring. But here you go, anyway. I love that my job lets me get away with these. Screw you, business casual!



Note: black flipflops + black carpet = wtf shoes

Target: the aftermath

Hello again, lovelies! So, the Target trip went well-- I got out of there for under $100, which is a rare treat for me recently. I can't stop once I get started, but luckily the Target is now trying this thing with Dresses That Are Large and Should Fit Like a Dream, But Are Still Meant for the Skinny. It is, in short, not cool. Why, if there is all this extra fabric, is there still thigh clingage? I know I am not morbidly obese, so let's not give a girl a seizure right there in the dressing room, mmkay?

At any rate, here is what I ended up with:

You know, to wear to the disco and stuff. Also, I love my gold flats, and needed some extra-sassy strappy heels for this barrage of weddings that I'm having to attend in the next year or so. That, or I need something to fling next to my purse when my blisters have become too much to bear and I have had enough G&T's to consider going barefoot on a hotel dance floor. You know, either way.

Slightly more sensible, though I do have fantasies of traipsing around Paris in these. Would there be much laughter, do you think? They are much cuter on, than in this picture, if that helps matters; the bow is much more whimsical in person.



Now, I would not call myself a full-figured gal, not even voluptuous-- I am a size 8, perfectly normal, thankyouverymuch. But there are all these weddings! Where there will be cameras! And I don't wish to be remembered as That Girl With a Fat Ass Who Looked Slightly Pregnant. That is where the hilariously named "Assets" body shaper comes in. It will give me the silhouette that only regular exercise (or $20 at Target) could, and I won't have to give up cheese! Please note that I will not be wearing only this with red heels to any of the aforementioned weddings. Only GP will be lucky enough to see that hotness.


This, with jeans and the gold sandals? Super-hot, right? I am pretty in love with this top.

Oh, and finally-- this is what I didn't buy. It was very hard to put down, so I feel that some congratulations are in order:

I mean, come on! Would I not look adorable gallivanting about with this tucked under my arm? I would, of course, wear my too-big-for-my-face sunglasses, in an effort to appear as gamine as possible. Had I bought it, I would certainly be taking it with me when I go to the free-burrito festivities as they open a new Chipotle in town...! Because eating a delicious meal, all nicely arranged and wrapped in a warm tortilla for your very own eating pleasure? Is always in style. It's the food equivalent of layering, or something.

Martha Stewart takes the cake

So, this week is Cupcake Week on the Martha Stewart Show, which I get to watch on repeat, thanks to Tivo and the Fine Living Network (which is totally the television equivalent of the Finer Things Club). I couldn't even finish the episode, because it was all too much to bear. It began innocently enough, with a demo of some tasty-looking coconut cupcakes, and then devolved into my reason for pouring another, quite full, glass of wine. Without further ado (and because the theme for this month's NaBloPoMo, which I am too chickenshit to actually participate in, is "letters"), here we go:

Dear Martha,

Look, I love you. I really do. So much so that I toted a "Free Martha!" poster all the way back to LA from DC for a friend after I acquired it at a rally I attended, and only reluctantly handed it over (you may know that unique college-apartment furnishings are hard to come by, especially for a gal on a budget). On the inaugural episode of your Cupcake Week, I was instantly riveted-- it is a poorly-kept secret that I love cupcakes, and I was on board all the way. You kept me waiting breathlessly as I bleep-blooped through the commercials to see how you concocted an icing suitable for topping those beautiful white cupcakes, and you certainly didn't disappoint (also, way not to give credit to Ina Garten for that recipe-- she and Jeffrey are probably going to TP your Hamptons house now).

Then came the second segment, in which you examined the process by which Earnest Sewn jeans are made. No stranger to fashion magazines, I was familiar with the brand name, as well as the fact that I, an amply-assed lady, am no match for their skinny-thighed magnificence. When you sent your assistant (who I truly believe you do pay pretty well, well enough to buy her own Earnest Sewns) to get some custom-made jeans, I began to groan inwardly. Poor thing, she's over six feet tall? Ok, I could see that being a problem, especially if she likes to wear heels when she goes out with boys and then minds that she towers over them. She played college basketball? Very impressive-- also, a collegiate basketball career is the pathway to being your assistant? I had no idea. So, she had her $700, 38-inch inseamed, Japanese organic cotton jeans made, and they fit her like a glove. It was a thing of beauty. Where you really lost me, though, was the very first "model" in your Earnest Sewn fashion show (and I generally love a fashion show, especially at lunch). However, Martha, I have to give you a big, hearty, "What the FUCK?!" at your description of a girl who is maybe a size four as "curvy and voluptuous."

I'm not sure what you are smoking, but a size four? Is in no way, ever, curvy. Sure, it might be something other than razor-sharp collarbones and concave tummies, but seriously? I sort of wanted to cut you. At least I'll get to save money buying my jeans for less than $40 at Old Navy, rather than being burdened by a 38-inch inseam or a "curvy" size-four body that demands $200 jeans.

Best,
Megan

P.S. Since I know none of those curvy ladies so much as touched any of those cupcakes, would you mind sending me one? I'm sure you can afford it-- MSLO is doing so well!

P.P.S. I'm still a little bummed that you stopped publishing Blueprint, but I appreciate the check you sent in lieu of extending my already-existing Martha Stewart Living subscription. Don't worry, I'll renew when the time comes.

Monday is the new Saturday

Cold open: Eliot Spitzer, with his poor wife standing by his side. I can’t say anything about the situation that hasn’t already been said, so I will leave it at seriously, Eliot Spitzer? And, seriously, America? Are we surprised that a politician ended up being a hypocrite? Because certainly this cannot be the first time this has happened. “I am, at this point, incapable of embarrassment.” Probably not far off, or at least one can hope. The premise here is that he is going to become a private-practice lawyer who specializes in particularly “lurid, embarrassing sex scandals,” such as “gay bathhouse slip and fall,” “defective masturbation device,” “customs seizure of German porn,” “botched erotic asphyxiation,” “denial of reach-around,” or the worst-case scenario, the “dead hooker.” Nice open, and for the first time in the last four weeks, not a Barack and/or Hillary-related sketch.

Please, baby Jesus, don’t let Jonah Hill sing during his monologue… Look, I enjoyed Knocked Up (which I saw with a former boss, who was still my boss at the time…it was a fun and strange Friday night) and Super Bad, but not as much as I’m sure many others did, so I’m interested to see what Jonah Hill does within the confines of the show. I know that I express concern over the abilities of comedians to perform in this setting, but the truth is that I feel that many of the show’s best recent hosts have not been comedians. I do firmly believe that it’s a tougher milieu (and that I seem pretentious for using that word, but I assure you I’m doing so correctly) than film or regular television—there’s less time to prepare, less time to react, and you have to possess that sixth sense that allows you to refrain from cracking up or looking into the camera (I’m looking at you, Jimmy Fallon). Anyway. Jonah Hill looks a little stumpy in this getup…jeans, a black t-shirt, an open button-down, and…a suit jacket? Yeah, I don’t know, either. He is cute as he says that he’s so excited to be there, that it’s “literally the most amazing moment in [his] entire life,” which I’ll let slide because it seems genuine. He calls himself a fancy gentleman, and I feel a song coming on. As long as there is a top hat or cane involved, we might be all right. He does say the words “top hat,” but I don’t know how I feel about his “underpantsies.” There are four guys in tops and tails behind him, and the lyrics to the song are pretty hilarious. Well played, Jonah Hill.

MacGruber, a MacGyver takeoff that is hit-or-miss for me. I give this one an A-, mostly because of the wigs and the brevity.

Game show! What’s Your Situation, hosted by Lou Delhomme (JH). Apparently the show’s title comes from the follow-up question asked to every (female) contestant—“What’s your situation? Are you married, single, dating…?” The married contestant is sent packing, and the host is that creepy guy in the bar ordering you a Sex on the Beach when you really want a Jack and Ginger. I’m all for free alcohol, but seriously guys, let the ladies order. This sketch is pretty short, too, and I’m wondering if this will be indicative of the rest of the show—really quick pacing, but I sort of like it because it’s not belaboring any unfunny premises or jokes.

JH in glasses and a clenched fist that looks more ready to knock on a door rather than punch bring us back from commercial, to a Benihana! Which is really just an okay place to eat—the eye contact and shared seating are really off-putting for me, and the last time we went we were seated across from this couple that consisted of a douchebag on his cell phone talking about “cabbing it to San Fran” (ugh, kill me—never call it “San Fran,” or “Frisco,” for that matter) and his poor lady friend. Within Benihana we find a pair of guys and a pair of girls—JH is Bill Heder’s 6-year-old son, trying to get his dad some action and coming across like a sportscaster version of Woody Allen performing at a Catskills resort. Oop, is Jonah going to laugh in this one? Nah, he’s holding it together, and talking crazy loudly…much like an actual 6-year-old, with slightly better comic timing and many more nebbishy tendencies.

Aaand, another damned MacGruber. Boo.

OMG!!!1!!!!!@!@1 April 5th, Christopher Walken and Panic! At The Disco. Love, love, love! Does that mean two weeks off, though? Aw. Totally worth it, though.

Jonah and his so-classy-that-he-got-a-tattoo-of-it-on-his-finger mustache segue into The Suze Orman Show. Bear with me, folks, all I know of Suze Orman is that she is a former Oprah protégé (like Dr. Phil, and we know how well that’s going), and is sometimes on the Today show (from which, you will remember, I am taking a break). Rockin’ some animal prints and a sassy Midwestern accent, along with some weird vocal phrasing. The “Can I afford it?” segment begins, and I guess that we’re supposed to infer that she’s a lesbian…? Huh, ok. She tells a rich guy to go to Epcot rather than Europe, and…meh. Although I will certainly be trying to incorporate the phrase “full-tilt dumbass” into my daily lexicon, for sure.

SNL Digital Short! Andy Samberg is being measured for a ringmaster’s jacket when Jonah hill enters in a funny little hat (it’s not that funny, but he doesn’t have a “hat” head), inviting Andy Samberg to coffee. JH apparently met Andy’s family after the show “last week” (note to the observant: Andy’s dad is Jack Handey!), and has been seeing Andy’s dad since. They went to grab a beer, got to talking, and then made out, which is about as attractive as you think it might be. Andy is, understandably, “really not cool with this,” but Jonah believes it’s love. There is an implied fellatio at some point. Ben, the dad, enters and kisses cheeks and ruffles hair, and then Bill Hader enters, revealing that he and Andy’s dad have also been “f**king.” Thanks, Lorne Michaels…definitely the best digital short that’s been on in the last three weeks.

Mariah Carey. Bleep-bloop.

Weekend Update! Bwa-hah, the whistle blower was having his whistle blown! Nice. CA passed some new regulations for home schoolers, there are tons of drugs in water, and we get a Really!?! With Seth and Amy segment! Sweet. Probably at least as good as the Michael Vick one. Ugh, would Mitt Romney really run as McCain’s running mate? He seems so…sleazy. I know this seems incongruous, as he is a Mormon and all, but he seems so greasy and disingenuous. China was removed from a Department of State list of human rights abusers, giving me my very own Really!?! moment, and 1 in 4 teenage girls has an STD, which I will choose to blame on abstinence-only sex education and limited safe-sex resources for teenagers. Am I right? Maybe. I know that there are other factors, such as earlier and earlier sexualization of kids and shifts in how families communicate and operate as units, but ultimately someone has to be teaching these kids what to do, and having sex as a teenage doesn’t have to mean anything but a deep sense of regret and some stories about speeding away from one’s boyfriend’s house, clutching one’s bra…not that I know anyone who had to do that or anything. Tracy Morgan comes to talk about Barack Obama being “reminded” that he’s black by Geraldine Ferraro, saying that we are a racist country, which I can’t say I disagree with. It’s not overt, and it’s not everywhere, but it’s there and it’s complicated and Tracy Morgan is much more coherent here than I expected him to be. “Bitch may be the new black, but black is the new president, bitch.” Love it.

Yay! A Target-lady sketch! So, this is only sort of a recurring character for Kristen Wiig, but it’s so bizarre that I love it. Almost as much as I love Target. Target lady has a strange temporary amnesia thing that erases her math skills, and is excited when a customer reminds her that she’s at Target. Kenan Thompson comes by and asks if he can pay for his items, to which she replies, “I don’t know—can you?” If I were a teacher, I would be doing this sort of thing endlessly. This is why it’s probably best that I am going to be a librarian: fewer opportunities to inflict proper grammar on the children. A cardboard cutout of Isaac Mizrahi appears, but only fleetingly, and Will Forte comes by to exchange some sweatpants for 99 cent (!) Nilla Wafers—after KW suggests he take the ill-fitting pants to a tailor. Pure gold, I tell you!

Will Forte is Brian Williams—who played Brian Williams last week? I could have sworn it was someone else. Oh well. We learn that John McCain is old. We know this! Seriously, is he not close to the age Bob Dole was when he ran for president? And everyone was flipping out about Dole’s age! Why the exception here? Not that this is a disqualifier, the fact that he’s old, but I would like some equal treatment. If we want some disqualifiers, I’ll…not be getting into that here or now. Mmm, Megan no likey.

Unrelated, but I feel that it is my duty to share it with the interwebs: a commercial for Old Navy reminded me of my quite-successful trip there yesterday, where I bought, among other things, a new pair of jeans (that is a size smaller than I’ve been wearing recently and reveals no butt-cleavage!), a new bathing suit (a tankini that I didn’t try on until I was home, due to unfortunate lighting conditions in dressing rooms), and this fabulous “bathing suit cover-up” that I will instead be taking many naps in—or at least that’s what happened Sunday afternoon on my couch. At any rate, get thee to Old Navy! At the very least, you’re getting some crazy-cheap tank tops, and god knows every girl needs about forty-seven of those.

Jonah Hill in a bolo tie is an old-timey record producer pimping out country singers…and proceeds to laugh a bit as he discusses the songs. This is pretty bad. Spaceships, toddlers, Model T cars, and jars of beer? Was this a Mad Lib? Do. Not. Want.

Mariah Carey. You know the drill.

Jonah Hill and what’s-her-name are on a date after “talking online for so long,” and right away I am on guard. You must know that GP and I met through the torrid world of the Craigslist personals, he the new guy in town who could spell and punctuate properly, and I the local gal who knew the limits of her nonexistent social circle. Most online dating is ridiculous, but I like to think that it just makes us extra-lucky…also, in his posting, he did mention that if things went well, I had to be willing to lie about how we met. And yet, here I am. Not lying at all. Jonah Hill loves the smell of burnt meat, and had claimed that he was a personal trainer, proving that either this girl was quite the idiot or he was quite the smooth talker/typist. Oh, and he drives a PT Cruiser, which has inspired a new version of the “Slug bug” game between me and GP. Totally fun to play—you have to try it!

Overall? Well-played, Jonah Hill. Let’s have some beers sometime.