Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Dear Today Show...



Dear Today Show,

To borrow a phrase from our friend Stephen Colbert, you are officially On Notice. From that baby that you claim knows how to read, to Laura Schlessinger talking about women driving their husbands to cheat, to asking Jim Cramer, a FINANCIAL expert, about his friendship with Elliot Spitzer, your segments this week have been even more grating than usual. It's bad enough that I have to watch Meredith Vieira forget that she's now on a more "legitimate" morning show than The View (please, let's not get me started on Elisabeth Hasselbeck), but now I have to watch this baby, who is really more "local news" material (I need to see some corroborating studies, please!), too? I love babies and all, and do think that infidelity is wrong, and can understand that we might want to know, in an inappropriate and slightly voyeuristic way, what Jim Cramer thinks of what his friend did, but I have a sense of decorum. Today Show, I love your dramatic opening music, and I love that my DVR allows me to start you a little late, so I can watch your longest (and most actual-news-related) segment before I leave for work in the morning. But if you continue in this manner, and if I have to look at Drew Peterson's ugly, young-wife-killing mug one (or a couple) more time(s), I'm going to be forced to listen to Morning Edition instead. Don't make me be more of a yuppie than I already am, mmkay?

Regards,
Megan

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Lolcats Sunday! Also, I want my hour back.

First, this...

And also, as mentioned before, I want my hour back! I had to pick up GP at the SJ airport last night, which was less than a 30-minute round trip, but confused my body enough, nevermind the daylight savings business. I took a weird nap in the middle of the afternoon today, and will probably have at least a little trouble falling asleep tonight. Lame, but at least my roommate is back.

Off to mom and stepdad's for some of Giada's braciole! I'm pretty excited, even though I'm not the biggest fan of le red meat.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Carrots and Sticks (or, How I Managed to Do Work and Recap SNL Simultaneously)

Ok, so I'm officially a week behind on my big self-imposed project of recapping SNL for the benefit of the internets, but it's because I'm buried under a mountain of tests that we're running at work! There are three going on right now, one of which we just (finally!) wrapped up actively testing, which involved forty people. My task now (well, one of them) is to get all the business they wrote down and said into a nice, neat Excel file, so no one has to look through a huge stack of papers but me. So, in order to kill two birds with one stone (and one of the birds in this case is decidedly less of a pain in my ass), I have devised a Genius Plan: I will enter some data, and recap a little. Then I will go back to the stupid data, and when I have entered some more, I will allow myself to go back to recapping. Sounds easy enough, but we'll see. Masochist that I am, I have elected to begin entering data first-- at least I'll get to do it on my PC laptop here at home, rather than my work Mac, which does not like to work with Excel in any attractive way.

(Only 18 more to go! I will allow myself at least the cold open and monologue.)

Second week in a row of a "Decision '08" cold open? If you say so, show. Let's see how this goes. Will Forte, you are no Brian Williams (great impression, though). How awesome would it be if they got actual Brian Williams to do one of these sketches? I know he hosted recently, and my love for Brian really knows no bounds. I need to see him on weekends, too! Darrell Hammond as Tim Russert...who is sometimes quite the caricature of himself anyway. Yes, political debates, especially regarding healthcare, can be a bit...dry, to say the least. Which is a little sad, considering what a critical issue it is. "Sweet Georgia Brown," indeed, Fake Brian. I know that Hillary Clinton herself will be having a cameo sometime in this episode, so I think that she must have some sort of sense of humor, after being called not only aggressive, relentless, and demanding, but also annoying, pushy, grating, bossy, shrill, and unpleasant in the beginning of the show. Not sure I love Fred Armisen's Obama... My attention is being lost, even though I think really everyone is giving their best impersonation here-- just not the best writing. We get it! The media loves Obama! Hillary can be a bit grating at times! It's...not that funny. Ooh, Law and Order "bomp-bomp"! And Vincent D'Onofrio, who is in my least favorite series of the franchise, CI. "...not a joke." You're telling me.

Oh! There she is! I have to say, even though I voted for Obama, I still think Hillary Clinton is a pretty amazing woman. I saw her speak in DC when I was in college for a rally/event, and got more than a little misty because it was such a politically charged moment. Whether or not you disagree with her tactics or policies, you have to admit that it's pretty freakin' amazing that we have a legitimate woman in the race for a party's nomination for President (that's the reason I can't absolutely loathe Elizabeth Dole, so it does work both ways). The "I love your outfit" exchange reminds me of the "Janet Reno Dance Party" exchange between Will Ferrell and Janet Reno, with the, "I like your dress, Janet...I like your dress, too, Janet." (See? I have been watching this show forever!)Hillary's laugh, though? Really terrible. But at least she can...laugh about it?

Ellen Page. Adorable, loved her in Juno. I'm interested to see how she fares in sketch comedy, and wondering if she can break out of the "quippy and quirky" mold. She does it well, but I want something else. First impression-- this is shallow, but I like her hair! It's the first time I've seen it down in maybe forever. Very nice. Her mannerisms coupled with the leather jacket are a little Fonzie, though. Andy Samberg as Diablo Cody...not as inaccurate as you might think. That Diablo is one tall drink of water.

(Ok, back to work now...)

Back! I realize some of the effect of my back-and-forthing is lost by doing this all as one post, but liveblogging this would be even stupider. Get excited, though, because I only have 12 more to go! This is totally a big deal.

The Dakota Fanning Show! Please tell me this will involve EP dressed as a small child-- for some reason, the concept is hilarious to me. Also, when will Dakota Fanning be too old to be considered precocious? The shrug-and-arm-flail is pretty off-putting... And ooh, I want to see Persepolis. "Dakota Fanning" talks to real kids in Rockefeller Center about global political issues, David Lynch movies, John Updike, and Bonjour Tristesse. This is about as funny as is sounds, which is not very. YES! EP as Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, who is sublimely annoying. There is much hyperventilatory conversation, and a mention of Aeolian wind harp solos, which I don't think would be possible, right? Don't they just sit there in the window, sounding at the wind's whim? Sorry about the alliteration. Also, about this sketch.

Saturday TV Funhouse brings us...The Obama Files. Cartoon Obama talks to Cartoon Jesse Jackson in a janitor's closet, where Cartoon Jesse produces 100 rhymes for "change." Cartoon Brian Williams is struck by a blow dart when Cartoon Al Sharpton comes to talk to Cartoon Obama, and Al recounts his misadventures in eastern Paraguay and is outfitted with a dog's shock collar. I die a little inside, because, you guys? This is pretty lame.

Ellen Page and Kristen Wiig are...secretaries? In a wood-paneled office. Fred Armisen steps into the foreground to tell us about The College For Excellence, which is sometimes where I think I should have gone, with all the big bucks and job satisfaction that my English degree is bringing me. The College for Excellence, by the way, is located above a Korean Savings Bank, so that's how you know it's good-- I bet that bank takes care of all the student loans for the CoE! I wish I knew high-class business terminology. Stupid UCLA. The high-class business terminology, also, consists of phrases like, "I sent that mass email, and I cc'd everybody." This sketch is pretty solid and reminds me some corporate jargon flashcards I saw and almost bought once Low-hanging fruit, anyone?

Next week (or tonight, whatever), we have Amy Adams! And Vampire Weekend, which is something I assume the kids are listening to nowadays. It is hilarious to hear Don Pardo say the name of the band, though...

Back to work! (...guys, I'm almost done! Yay! Take that, pile of papers!)

The Other Boleyn Girl parody sketch. Has anyone seen this movie? I do love me some English history! Anne Boleyn likes riding steeds, but I don't think she's talking about horses. Dirty! Her sister is a bit of a hussy, and is less skilled at the double entendre. Kristen Wiig shows up as the "Other-Other" (and unibrowed) Boleyn girl, and it gets a little silly--and that's when the fourth sister shows up, and the fifth (a veritable Nubian princess). This sketch is lame, and, fortunately, pretty brief.

SNL Digital Short! Yay! Previous shorts include Lazy Sunday, Dick in a Box, and Laser Cats, so I expect something pretty great. Then again, I couldn't stand "Dear Sister." Sorry. Ellen Page awakens with a start, and wanders into her bathroom to take some aspirin. She's startled by...Andy Samberg as a developmentally delayed mime? In her bathroom mirror. He pops up a couple times in quick succession, holding a tropical drink with an umbrella in it, licking a lollipop, and doing some quick reps with what look like 5-pound weights. In that last pop-up, he looked a little like "Let's Get Physical"-era Olivia Newton John. Was it all a dream? Ellen sits up in bed, again, goes into the bathroom, and the not-mime is on the toilet, reading the paper. Come on, SNL, what are you? Mad TV? The not-mime, in the next scene, awakens with a start, takes some aspirin, and is startled by EP. They then wake up with a start next to each other, and touch fingers in an ET sort of way. Dracula and his wife/girlfriend are there, as is a werewolf. Everyone's very startled, and this sketch is no Dick in a Box. But at least it's not Dear Sister.

Wilco plays, and I like them and all, but you know what happens to musical guests on TiVo. Bleep-bloop!

Weekend Update! Love. We're "not" going to be in a recession, beef has been recalled, Obama isn't really a Muslim, and McCain made a poor choice of opening speakers. Virgin Atlantic did the first biofueled flight, which seems cool, and Rudy Giuliani shows up! Remember when he wanted to be president? That was a strange time. Let's not pretend that he ever had a snowball's chance of getting that nomination. Bugs are a good source of protein, western states are 500% dustier than they were 200 years ago, and Mike Bloomberg is trying to establish oyster beds in NYC waterways... Naps are important! But 6 minutes? Child's play. Fred Armisen is Nicholas Fehn, political comedian-- one who manages not to be very funny at all, like many political comedians. This makes me yearn for Cinders Calhoun, in the Lilith Fair era...some special guests are more special than others, you know.

TiVo says there are about 30 minutes left, so I think that means I have to finish my work and then come back...I have high hopes for that last 30 minutes, however foolish that might be.

Ahh! I just finished with my big stack of papers! But I also realized that there's a basketball game that I have to get through on the TiVo before I leave to watch yet more basketball with my dad. Sorry, SNL. We'll catch up tomorrow, probably.

*There will be linkage added for a little color and interest, but honestly...basketball! Sorry, internets, you lose.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Allow me to present...



...your three-times-in-a-row Pac-10 regular season champs, and all-around wonderful boys, the UCLA Bruins men's basketball team! And yes, Kevin, I can learn to live with your nasty facial hair if you'll promise to stay until you win me a national championship. Do we have a deal? It was a bright spot in my day that consisted of continuing to freak out over apartment construction, work/recruiting difficulties, and the reality of two whole nights spent GP-free (I know, I'm a whiner), and it had me exclaiming and writhing on my couch. Thank god for DVR, because seriously? I would not have been able to watch that thing in real-time.

Now, as I have a Friday night free, and will be working roughly twelve hours before it, are there any suggestions for fun activities? I've been thinking gin and tonics with a side of Project Runway and Lost...and probably some lolcats, too.

P.S. I promise I'll be a little less of a raincloud in a week or so. Things are just a little sucky right now.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

That really cuts my cake...

...and not even in a good way. So, our apartment complex was recently purchased by a new management company, which I think is based in LA (at least that's what it said when I Googled it). Right there, I feel, is Strike One, because how the eff are they supposed to manage anything from hundreds of miles away. I suppose that's not the point, and it's not like they'd be walking around the units, inspecting the landscaping and making sure that nothing was floating around in the fountain, even if they were based here in San Jose, but still. LA is not close, people.

There have been issues with the apartment and management before-- there have been too many "we need to shut off the water today between 10ish and 6ish" notices to count, not to mention general pain-in-the-ass cable and internet setups (basically, there is an internet monopoly for people who don't want a landline in their apartment, as the internet would have to have some sort of...line, and the only alternative to crap-ass, no-Food-Network-having cable is DirecTV, which entails a huge pole/tower/tripod thing on our deck, not to mention a godawful DVR-- but that's a tangent we just don't have time for...). But, by and large, the most egregious things have happened since the new management company has taken over. Don't get me wrong, GP and I are happy to be in the location we are (mostly), happy that we're not paying a too-crazy (for the Bay Area) amount of rent, and happy that we have all the necessities, like shelter, food, and enough wine to last for a couple weeks, at least, even if it were to be the only thing we ever drank. The offenses I am about to describe to you are offenses of intense inconvenience than they are of actual damage or harm. Right now, and in the next few weeks, there will be three concurrent construction projects going on throughout the complex-- and this is after they replaced all the doors and windows in the midst of a few stormy weeks in late January (genius thinking, by the way...).

Three projects. At the same time. Now, as a college graduate, I feel that I may have an advantage over these clearly middle-school-educated property management companies in that I know a thing or two about time management, even if I don't always practice it. (Warning: I am about to be very petty, complainy, and all-around unpleasant. Consider yourself warned.) Since when is it a good idea to run three enormous construction projects at the same time? Since never, is the normal-people answer. You want to re-roof all twenty-odd buildings in the complex? Knock yourself out. That in itself is quite the undertaking, and I realize that you have a Serious Company set up to do it, not some guy in his pickup truck with his sixteen year old son helping him out after school. I get it, but why not pace yourselves? Might be nice to have to deal with only one potential clusterfuck at a time.

Oh, no? You want to replace all the balconies, too? Oh, that'd be nice, especially since we had to have some of the boards out there replaced immediately after moving in because they were rotted through and we could see through them. I get it, you want to be all structurally sound in earthquake country, that's cool. Oh, and bringing in our small table, chairs, plants, and grill? Not a problem, they might be able to live in our kitchen or whatever. But we have to get the eyesore of a DirecTV tripod off the balcony, too? Hmm, let me think: no. No freaking way am I going to bring that thing into my apartment, and neither is GP. (Sidenote: I'm going to have this conversation, this one about the eyesore-tripod de- and re-installation with Management tomorrow, as I seriously have no intention of paying to have it re-installed, nor do I plan to take that thing down by myself.) I'm interested to see what sort of solution you have, because my suggestion is that you be the ones to contact the cable company to have them take it down and put it back up. You wait for that four-hour window in the middle of a workday for that grubby guy to show up, and you pay him for the privilege of his company.

Oh, and the third thing? Is probably the worst yet. We got a three-page, Very Serious Document taped to our door (the typical delivery method for Very Serious Documents, no?) on Monday, saying that all the units are going to be re-piped. Apparently, this is a process that involves not only plumbers, but drywall and painting teams, too, and there's always the wait for the city inspectors somewhere in the middle there. During the process, we are to have everything off the counters in the kitchen and bathrooms and everything out from under the sinks, which leads me to an interesting question, a Zen koan of sorts-- where is all that stuff supposed to go? See, we're in a two-bedroom apartment, and storage is not at a maximum around here (witness the shoes that meander over all available floor space). I can't wait until this process begins, and the note taped to the door gives us some more firm dates, but you see, I can't read it in its entirety. Why? Because it is to remain on the door, like some sort of Passover marker, although I doubt that this one will serve to protect us very successfully. How, exactly, am I to review the pages that are posted on my door, if they are supposed to stay in that very place? Also, you guys put the wrong floorplan in the packet. Idiots.

You may be able to gauge the level of frustration...and I'm not sure what exactly (if anything) there is that I can do about it. A law-school-attending best friend of mine told me recently that she regretted that she didn't have any advice, as they haven't gotten to landlord-tenant relations in her Property class just yet, so I ask you, Internets: is there anything I can do besides complain into your vast tubes? Sure, it's therapeutic, and I'm sure at least someone likes to read my bitching, but I'd hate to think that it ended there. What would you do, in my position?

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

This week in numbers

Which is not to say that I will be reporting on the state of numbers. I'll assume that the numbers, the digits 0-9, are all doing fine and dandy, as they are not working 10+ hour days and feverishly wondering why a job that is so seemingly menial should also seem so difficult. Rather, allow me to present...

5: things on my "swing by Safeway on the way home, just a quick trip" grocery list.

13: things I actually bought at Safeway. I still got to go through the express lane, though!

6, no-- 11, no! 10: people that were recruited for one of the studies that is currently being run at my office. Returning emails is SO HARD, isn't it? What's that? It isn't? Then seriously, what the hell.

7: minutes late that our client company people arrived for the scheduled appointment start time this evening. Coincidentally, that is the same number of minutes it takes me to decide that I hate them forever. Professional adults? Who're they?

3: weeks until MaGP and PaGP come to town, and GP and I get to eat like kings (cross out) civilized grownups. Which we are, I swear.

58 (or so): degrees Fahrenheit in my office for the last two days, due to an imbalance caused by a projector in one (also soundproofed ) room in the office.

18: meatballs that I made for dinner last night. For two people, even two people who really like meatballs, I think we can agree that this is far too many.

30: people that we have to put through testing sessions before these three godawful studies that are eating up my life are done. Good job maintaining focus through that sentence, if you made it to the end!

Forgive the tardiness of the SNL recap-- we decided to watch two episodes of Lost that were languishing in the TiVo instead. Maybe tonight? Maybe.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Ok, so...

I haven't watched SNL yet, so there is no recap to post at present. I promise, though, that it will be soon(ish)! I have to get through the UCLA/Arizona basketball game, then make a trip to Michael's, TArget, et al. Apparently I do have money to spend.

So, to recap: please still be my friend! I'm just having a touch time getting started with anything today...