Thank God for the beef

I read somewhere a long time ago that that is roughly what Shia LaBoeuf's name means, and I am a bit jealous because Megan Elise Lastname? Doesn't mean a darn thing, probably because lastname is some mashup of multiple generations of slutty ancestors adapting their names to their new language. Anyway, on to the show-- it is Tuesday night, so I assume the more responsible of you have already gotten it out of your Tivos...

Our cold open this week is Hillary C. as the President, or in a message "brought to you by the President." Superdelegates, blah blah. I am bummed that the primaries are going on so long, but I am hopeful about the outcome, come November. Oh, and Hillary will be a great president because she is a "sore loser," her "supporters are racist" (I damn near died after she said this), and she "has no ethical standards"-- apparently they are having to back up the fact that they are not Hillary-biased, after having portrayed her more favorably earlier this season. The strange thing is, I am sure that they will make fun of whoever ends up winning, and whoever ultimately becomes President in the fall (cough Obama cough).

Monologue. Please, baby Jesus, no singing! That is all I ask. Shia LaBoeuf (who, if you must know, I have loved ever since the Even Stevens days) looks like quite the hipster, in his gray jeans and blazer and shit-ton of hair-product. The pants fit a bit oddly, and it leads me to believe that he may be wearing an adult diaper-- I'm just sayin'. Oh, and he hosted before? I suppose I blocked that out, due to my hatred of the Dear Sister sketch. Not a fan. But I am an Indiana Jones fan! Dude, he and James Bond were totally my prepubescent crushes; what can I say, I love a Man of Adventure. Highlights: Sean Connery (oh, I miss you, Celebrity Jeopardy!) shows, and is greatly chagrined to have been left off the Last Crusade lunchbox, and then Amy P. is Short Round (whatever happened to that kid?).

Ugh, MacGruber. Now with added Son of MacGruber! Unfortunately, there is little added humor, though there is a trio of awesome wigs. Oh, and Son of Mac Gruber is gay.

It's a Match, with Guy Lang! But Guy Lang has been murdered, and the six '70s celebrities are left to make references to a game show that is significantly older than Shia LaBoeuf. While "making whoopie" is only marginally humorous, Fred Armisen does a killer Paul Lynde. Also, great wig work.

Mercifully, there is a commercial break. Guys, I am totally going to see Crystal Skull, and none of you can stop me! It is probably going to be lame, but my love for Indiana Jones knows few bounds...

Yellow-jacketed LaBoeuf beckons us into the 16th Precinct, where three Game Stop shoplifters are being given a stern warning by a Scared Straight Kenan Thompson. They stand up, sit back down, and repeat, and it is about as funny as it sounds... Also, Bill Hader, a Stussy t-shirt? That is straight retro biznass. Oh, and a Goonies rehash. Just how old is LaBoeuf, anyway? I am a cranky old lady today. My back hurts from the elliptical, I don't know why.

MacGruber, again. I am having a hard time getting it up for this episode. I would so rather be watching crazy wedding programming.

But! Next week! Steve Carrell and Usher! I can't wait to see Get Smart. How much do I love Anne Hathaway and want to eat ice cream sundaes with her? The answer is "a lot."

Ok, we are into bulleted-list territory. Here's the quick and dirty version of the rest of the episode:
- Suze Orman Show. Crazy jacket, and where the hell is my stimulus check?
- Digital Short. LaBoeuf and Samberg are talkin' pantsless fashion in a locker room. Would this really be any more ridiculous than most guys usually look? At least it would be pretty funny, because, come on, naked dudes are pretty funny-looking.
- I watched My Morning Jacket perform, just for you, Jenn. They are pretty great, and totally not what I was expecting. SNL has been bringing the Pretty Sweet Music recently, what with the Vampire Weekend performance earlier this season and all...
- Weekend Update, which GP hilariously referred to as "the news." Always my favorite part of the episode.
- La Rivista della Televisione, where Bill Hader smokes a lot and I realize how tall Shia LaBoeuf is. Damn, kid!
- Another g-d MacGruber. There is kiss-vomiting, or vomit-kissing, or whatever. It is gross, and I don't like it one bit.
- Awkward Glances Across a Restaurant. So, I am not someone who gets many glances in restaurants (or Safeway, or the gym, or Starbucks, or whatever), but I imagine that it is about this awkward. What's up with that? I guess I would prefer staring to having to talk to them, though...because I am a Total Bitch.
- Again with My Morning Jacket. Loving it.
- Exaggerated Southerners try on clashing patterns. "Funky" is rarely something to aspire to, folks. But there is totally a shout-out to Decatur! Represent! Shia LaBoeuf, by the way, looks like your confused little brother, raiding your closet and trying on your pinkest dress. And now I understand the True Meaning of "Bless his heart."